I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Damn! LOL - Your #1 source for daily funny pics!
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
The top 10 things messed up with the show Spongebob:
1.How is Pearl Mr.Crabs daughter??
2.Why doesn't Squidward wear pants??
3.How do they flush the toilet under water?
4.How can they see plankton??
5.How can Sandy communicate with fish??
6.How is there a Goo lagoon under water???
7.Why do they take showers???
8.How come Gary meows??
9.How did Sandy build her dome??
10.How can there be boats under water?
Like this if you ever asked yourself any of these questions :)
If you want to be TOGETHER you have TO-GET-HER :)
A man walks into a bar and stand next to an extremely hot woman. He stands their and continuously looks at his watch.
The hot woman asks: "Is you date late or something?"
The man replies: "No, I'm just amazed by my magic watch.."
"What does you watch do so magical?" Asks the woman.
The man replies: "Well it tells me anything I want to know..."
The woman asks: "Well ask it something, what does it say?"
The man says: "I already asked it a question, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman replies: "Well your watch is wrong, I am wearing panties."
The man replies: "Oh sorry, my watch is one hour fast..."
The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said
I wanna watch.
"your whipped!" - "no 'bruv, it's called being faithful, Pr*ck"
That "aww F*ck" moment when your mom phones to say she's almost home and you look around and you haven't done any of the things that she asked you to do...
*40 Year Old Man and A Blonde In A Supermarket*
Man: "Sorry ive been staring and i think i know you..."
Blonde: Yeah, i know you too, one of the kids i have is yours!"
Man: "Are you that blonde stripper i saw at a bachelor party i? when you tied me with handcuffs, licked my d*ck and we ended up having wild sex on the kitchen table?"
Blonde: "No, im your son's teacher..."
I text you a whole paragraph within 5 minutes and you text me back 40 minutes later saying "LOL"...
Are you asking to be punched?
Ooooooooh, That sounds a bit harsh, I better put "lol" on the end of it
100 Friends - Thats ok.
200 Friends - Eh, Your getting there.
300 Friends - Good amount.
400 Friends - Sorta popular.
500 Friends - Your well known.
600 Friends - Your a sl*t.
700 Friends - Big sl*t.
800 Friends - You dont even know half of them.
900 Friends - Nerd.
1000 Friends - Facebook is your life.
I only check my voice mail to get rid of the little notification symbol on my screen.
Why do they call it break dancing if you don’t break anything :S …
I'm 14 Years Old.
I am a boy.
I don't fight.
I don't swear.
I don't drink.
I care about my family.
I don't need to have loads of friends to get far in life.
I like my music.
My life is fine the way it is.
^ What life?
the 21st century facebookers will be known for"jack and jill...", "LOL jk", "ask me if im a..", "DUDE she just called you a...", "cant sorry,...", "nan..." pages. fck yeah. we're creative.
I LOVE sliding on the wood floor with my socks on :) until i fall flat on my face.
Scientist are trying to to adapt viagra so it can work on women. I think it's a waste of time personally, it already exsists...
It's called money...
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
**************************************************************
After 5 years, your job will still suck...
*** I bet you do this! ****
Oh, so you take 15 minutes to text me back! Fine im going to take 20 b*tch!
Let's see how you like it...
Yelling someone's name then realising its a stranger.....awkward...=X
I said to my wife, "i have a great knock knock joke for you, but you have to actually knock on the door" she replied, "okay" and walked outside and shut the front door. and that is how to get rid of your wife in under a minute.
After a long night of sex, the guy rolled over, got a cig and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one,
"There might be some matches in the top drawer", she replied.
He opened the drawer and found a box of matches sitting on top of a pic of a man
*He began to worry*
"This your husband?" he asked,
"No silly," she replied,
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked,
"No not at all", she said nibbling away at his ear,
"Well who is he then?"
Calmly the girl replied "That's me before the operation..."
NEVER WALK ON GRASS :
Grass=ants=biting=irritation=cranky=no friends=attempted suicide=hospital=drugs=overdose=high=happy=lots of friends =partying=alcohol=sex=herpes=itchy=unhappy=no friends=attempt suicide 2=rehab=Amy Whinehoise= sex=publicity= fame=money=women=kids=broke=cardboard box=smelly=no friends=kill the world=join the russians= make nuclear bomb=kill everyone except me=sadness=attempts suicide=no hospital=death=aliens take over earth=no more humans=thanks alot grass -.-
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have s*x when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for s*x." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
**** This is me all over ******
Music on shuffle, next, next, next, er no, next, nope, next, next, blah, next, next, YES!
A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me, my pretty face or
my sexy body?..
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: your
sense of humor.
I hate it when your yelling at somebody and u mess up a word.