Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Edward: "I could kill you in seconds. So shutup."
Jacob: "What are you gonna do exactly? Sparkle me to death?!"
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Seeing a status that is blatantly aimed at you and liking it
I hate when people ask me "What on earth were you thinking!?"
Obviously I was thinking that I would get away with it and not have to f*cking explain it...
A man walks into a bar and stand next to an extremely hot woman. He stands their and continuously looks at his watch.
The hot woman asks: "Is you date late or something?"
The man replies: "No, I'm just amazed by my magic watch.."
"What does you watch do so magical?" Asks the woman.
The man replies: "Well it tells me anything I want to know..."
The woman asks: "Well ask it something, what does it say?"
The man says: "I already asked it a question, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman replies: "Well your watch is wrong, I am wearing panties."
The man replies: "Oh sorry, my watch is one hour fast..."
My Life Needs A Edit Button
SAD STORY:
Boy: Make me a sandwich.
Girl: No.
like if you cried...
Doing what he just told me to do is a big difference to jumping off a cliff
"F*cking" is a f*cking word that can f*cking be put anyf*ckingwhere in a f*cking sentence and it f*cking still makes f*cking sense.
I hate it when your trying to be serious, but then you accidently smile :)
a PARTY with no DRINK is like a FUNERAL with no DEAD PERSON ..
Mum notices her sons bed has been made without her asking..Mum finds note on boys bed:
Mum im sorry, i have left home. I know im only 15 but my girlfriend is pregante and im going to live with her, you were never supportive and that really hurts me. dont bother looking for me, u wont find me. im sorry it has to be like this, but i dont see any other way.
P.S: MUM IM JOKING, I WAGGED SCHOOL TODAY AND I GOT BUSTED. IM AT AIDIANS. CALL ME WHEN U HAVE CALMED DOWN. xx
hearing a noise when your home alone and just accepting the fact that its time to kick some ass ;)
Just imagine, if you suddenly woke up and your life had been a dream, and you are actually a completely different person than in your dream and you are living in a completely different world.
A police officer stops a man on the highway.
The man says “Did you stop me for speeding?”
The officer replies “Yes, I stopped you for speeding”
The man replies “Well I have a gun in my glove compartment, and have a dead body in my trunk”
The officer pulls back and calls for back up and waits. Minute’s later back up arrives.
The second officer says “My partner says you had a dead body in the trunk and a gun is the glove compartment."
So the cop checks the glove compartment, no gun. He checks the trunk, no body.
Officer 2 asks, "Do you have a gun?"
The man says, "No, sir."
Officer 2 asks, "Did you steal this car?"
The Man replies, "Nope."
Officer 2 decides to be straight and confront the man by asking, "My partner said you had a dead body and a gun."
The guy replies, "I bet he said I was speeding too!!!"
Remember when you were little and every time you drank soda out of a glass bottle, you always pretended it was beer.
Brunette: When I grow up I wanna go to MARS!
Normal: I WANNA STAY ON EARTH WHEN I GROW UP
Blondie: I WANNA GO TO THE SUN WHEN I GROW UP!
Brunette and Normal: BUT U'LL BURN!
Blondie: DONT BE STUPID IM GOING AT NIGHT
My life is a movie. God is my director. People are my audience and my success will be the credits.
95% of teens would cry if they saw Justin Bieber at the top of a skyscraper about to jump. Like this if you are part of the 5% that would sit there with popcorn and a camera and yell "DO A FLIP!!! and push him off 4 minutes ago
DA SADST STRY EVUR!!!
girl: do u luv mi??? iv u dnt i gun dy
Boy: I can't understand you, what are you trying to say?.
girl: omg y yuu nar luv mi?!?! mi bcum ded
Boy: I don't even...
girl: :(( (dyez)
Boy: ...The f*ck?
Just shut up and kiss me?
If you think it is necessary to judge me by my past, then don't get angry when I decide to leave your sorry A$$ there...
Ooooooooh, That sounds a bit harsh, I better put "lol" on the end of it
When your in class and the teacher says "Ok, can I collect everyone's homework..."
So you look in your bag, even though you know that you didn't do it...
Advantages Of Being A Women:
1. We got off the Titanic first
2. Taxis stop for us
3. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when we're dancing
5. We can hug our friends without wondering if she's gay
6. We can hug our friends without wondering if we're gay
7. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves
8. We can congratulate our team-mate without touching her butt
9. We have the ability to dress ourselves
10. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is directions
When everything in your life goes wrong, there's always that one person to put a smile on your face
I like mario. he's cool. he's all like " hello, im maaarrio, im a Italian plumber created by japanese people, who speaks English and looks like a Mexican."