Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Edward: "I could kill you in seconds. So shutup."
Jacob: "What are you gonna do exactly? Sparkle me to death?!"
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
A kid staggered into his classroom one morning. He answered all of the questions with a slurred voice. The teacher says: "Is there anything wrong?" and the kid replies: "I swear to drunk, I'm not God!"
A blonde was withdrawing money from the ATM machine.
The blonde behind her: HAHA I saw your pin number, it's four stars!
First blonde (the one withdrawing the money): HAHA you're wrong, it's 1566!
That "Sh*t i'm going to die" moment when you try to kill a wasp and you miss...
Today I felt like a tampon. In a good place, but at the wrong time...
WHY DO WE NEED SCHOOL ?
•MUSIC: We have YouTube for that.
•SPORT: I have a Wii.
•LANGUAGES: I watch Dora.
•ENGLISH: Everything is shortened anyway. ( LOL,BRB )
•MATH: That’s why we have calculators.
•GEOGRAPHY: I’ll buy a globe.
•DRAMA: that's why I watch eastenders!
HISTORY:They’re all dead anyway
I Flip My Pillow Over to Get To The Cold Side
banging on your keyboard if your computer is slow.
if youve ever layed down with your phone above your head and for that split second you forget about it and it drops on your face..
Only I can fight with my sibling, you lay a finger on him/her and you die!
If you watch Harry potter backwards it's a whole 7 flims of a guy who think's he's a wizard, but in the last one, a giant comes and tells him he's not, so he becomes suicidal and locks himself under the stairs.
I hate it when people try to tell ME what I said.
Now, I'm no Gynecologist, but I know a C*nt when I see one
All these 'likes' are starting to tell my whole life story
When life lets you down remember there always 1 persons fingers that will always fit perfectly between yours, your own :)
Ladys, Below are reasons why cookie dough is better than ANY p*nis:
It's enjoyable, soft or hard.
Its makes a mess too, but it tastes a lot better.
When ever it's in your mouth, you always want to swallow.
You can enjoy it more than once.
It comes already wrapped in a protective wrapping.
You dont have to keep going until you've finished it off.
You dont have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.
You can have more than one and you will not be called a s!ut.
They come in all sizes.
When im stressed, I eat chocolate, ice-cream and cake.
Do You Know Why?
Because stressed backwards is desserts
I named my iPod 'Titanic' so when I enter it in iTunes it says 'Syncing Titanic' and I feel like a H E R O when I press 'Cancel'
WILL YOU JUST LISTEN TO MY PART OF THE STORY AND NOT TWIST MY WORDS !!
The awkwardness when you still cant understand someone after they've repeated themselves about 4 times..
When I watch MTV Cribs, the feeling of guilt from illegally downloading songs goes away.
There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must take it because his conscience tells him it is right.
- Martin Luther
Trust is like and eraser.
**************************
It gets smaller and smaller after every mistake...
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
The Awkward moment when your in a bad mood and someone is next to you watching TV and then they start saying inspirational stuff... but it turns out theyre just singing the theme song to pokemon...
how can someone you once were so close to, just all of a sudden ignore you like its no big deal