Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Edward: "I could kill you in seconds. So shutup."
Jacob: "What are you gonna do exactly? Sparkle me to death?!"
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
That "Oh Sh*t" moment when your eating mash or something soft and chewy and you hear a crunch and you think you have broken your tooth...
If strippers are now called exotic dancers...
Then all drug dealers should be referred to as exotic pharmacists.
That awkward moment if Rebecca Black couldn't get a seat in a car, cause it just so happened to be a 2 seated car.
you my friend.. are a silly sausage.
Girl if that skirt gets any shorter you'll get done for dealing crack!
Sneaking food into the cinemas.. $4 for a pack of skittles my A$$!
I think washing machines are some what similar to Aztec Gods. Every now and again they demand a sacrifice in the form of a single sock...
Clerk: Hi, welcome To McDonalds, what can I get you?
Me: Hi, can I get half a dozen chicken nuggets please?
Clerk: Oh I'm sorry, we only serve 6, 10 or 20.
Me: So you can't serve me half a dozen chicken nuggets?
Clerk: No, only 6, 10, or 20
Me: OK, interesting...
See this cup? It's got alcohol in it. Therefore anything I do or say beyond this point should not be taken seriously and I apologise in advanced for anything that may cause harm or offence.
My Life Needs A Edit Button
Why do people say "Don't worry, I don't bite" when talking to a stranger? I mean, I've never been like "Sh*t! this person is gonna bite me for sure, I better stay away!"...
We may come from different places and speak in different tongues, but in the end, our hearts beat as one - Dumbledore.
*Kid wakes up in class.
Teacher: asks student "can you tell me what that is?"
*kids best friend mouths "4" while lifting his fingers, the student thanks him with a nod and reply's "4"
Teacher: looking confused and disappointed says "So the first native tribe to make a treaty with France was... 4?"
Gotta love your friends.
Seeing someone pull of a ninja move to stop themselves slipping on ice.
I'm sorry but I just cannot tolerate people who blame rape victims for what the rapist did. I dont give a **** how much she does not cover her body, YOU SHOULD BLAME THE RETARD WHO RAPED HER. If this happens to your sister, you would not want somebody to say 'She deserves it, she wears like a slut'...
three criminals robbed a grocery store and were looking for a place to hide. they soon found a farm and went in to hide. The first criminal hid in a horse shed,the second in a pig pen and in the third in a potato sack. 20 mins later a policeman went into the farm.
He kicked the horse shed..."neigh!"
He then kicked the Pig pen...."oink,oink!"
And then he kicked the potato sack......."potato,potato!"
You can find a friend anywhere, but a best friend is worth keeping :)
Failing a test age 8: *cries* age 10: i'm going to need a tutor :( age 12: my mom's going to kill me!! age 14: whatever stuff that. age 16: who else failed the test?! high five's all classmates!
im in a lift with jay sean, the saturdays and the black eyed peas.. jay sean wants to go down.. the saturdays want to go up, and the black eyed peas want to meet me halfway -_-
Checking your phone to see what time it is, and then checking it again because the first time you wasn't paying attention...
What did Barrack say to Michelle when he proposed?
"I don't wanna be Obama self..."
"All I do is WIN WIN WIN no matter what..."
Grandma, you're just at the ATM, chill man.
Go and get your own boyfriend and stop Stalking MINE !!!!
Guy: "Wow that girl is hot with a great voice!" Girl: "That's Justin Bieber..." Guy: "Never speak of this moment."
A boy walks into kitchen to find parents having s*x, the dad looks at the boy and winks. that night the father finds the boy in his bedroom having s*x with his nana, the boy rolls over, winks and says "not so funny when it's your mum is it"