Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Man kids of today... Crying just because their XBOX or PS3 overheated and got the red light of death...
Man when I was younger, and my console was broke, I used my initiative. I took the cartridge out, blew it and put it back.
Worked every time...
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's s*xual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute
Girl 1 : You look so beautiful.
Girl 2 : Thank you..You too look pretty
Guy 1 : Dude you look handsome.
Guy 2 : Mate, You a "gay"?
Duvet not covering foot . . . foot not safe :(
Lets be honest, you all have visualised a bad guy committing a crime and you are the bad-ass that saves the day...
Dear Gangsters,
If it's any motivation at all, I'm pretty sure you will be able to out run the cops faster if you just pulled up your trousers...
Sincerely,
I tired of seeing your underwear...
You can do three things in life:
1. Make Stuff Happen
2. Watch Stuff Happen
3. Or Wonder what the f*ck has just happened...
*Genie appears*
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes. What is your first wish?
Man: More wishes!
Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes.
Man: More genies!
Genie: Well... f*ck.
I bet that in 1915 they thought 2010 would be made of flying cars and robots instead, we have;
rebels in school because the cane is gone, teenagers who wear short skirts and low tops, and offensive logos on shirts, no robots, no flying cars, just a bunch of smart asses! (: but, welcome to the future grandma (:
Every women deserves a man who looks at her every day like it's the first time he saw her.
My mom wants 3-D eye surgery to see 3-D movies without glasses. I told her they don’t exist. She doesn’t care. Operation’s next Tuesday.
The only thing woman clean out is a mans bank account.
whereas the only thing men clean out is their internet history.
All these kids are always taking advantage of their parents. Im 14.. and to be HONEST; id rather watch a movie with my dad then go to a party. Id rather go shopping with my mom than with my friends. NOT because I'm anti-social, but because i know that one day, i will regret not spending as much time with them.
If you want to know where your heart is, pay attention to where you mind wonders.
The Rugrats, Hey Arnold!, Ed, Edd & Eddy, Dexters Labatory, Rocket Power, The Wild Thornberries
All great shows when cartoons were the ish!
I hate when people ask me "What on earth were you thinking!?"
Obviously I was thinking that I would get away with it and not have to f*cking explain it...
According to my emails, I have been selected by the princess of Ethiopia to inherit all her money.
Someone's going to be rich.....
ssss-weet!
My phone is second nature to me. I know all of it's functions and where everything is in the menu. But as soon as I handle someone else phone, I'm like "WTF is this foreign piece of Sh*t?"
Don't poke people on facebook.
Poking leads to commenting.Commenting leads to talking on chat. Talking on chat leads to inboxing. Inboxing leads to meeting up. Meeting up leads to going out. Going out leads to s*x. S*x leads to babys.
So unless you want to have babys, don't poke people.
We Have all:
1. Faked that we were asleep when our parents walked in the room.
2. Made A cookie out of playdoh
3. tried to get our friends to spell ICUP.
4. Pretended that our hands were people talking.
...LIKE IF YOU HAVE EVER DONE ANY OF THIS(:
Q) What is the Defferance between a blonde and an ironing board?
***************************************************************************
A) An Ironing boards legs are harder to get open
You know that when Tommy from the Rugrats takes his screwdriver out, sh*t is about to go down...
A boy went to a pub with his mom and saw two teens having s*x. he asked his mom what they were doing.
His mom replied: "They're baking a cake".
The next day, the boy went to the zoo and saw two monkeys having s*x. He asked his mom what they were doing.
His mom replied: "They baking cake".
The next day, the boy told his mom : "Mummy, i know last night you and daddy were baking a cake".
Mom: "How you know?"
Boy: "I licked the icing off the sofa".
Like if u get it :D
I walked into the pub toilet earlier, spotted a bloke at the urinals, and made my way to the cubicle.
Bloke laughed and said, "Embarrassed about your man muscle, hey, lad?"
A bit embarrassed, I said; "Of course not!" And made my way over to the urinal next to him.
What a hypocrite, he sure seemed embarrassed watching me take a dump.
Dear Boys,
If you want me to disappear, you are going to have to support her more than what I do...
Sincerely,
Her Bra