Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Damn! LOL - Your #1 source for daily funny pics!
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Justin Beiber, Lil' Wayne, and Chuck Norris were standing ontop of a 100story building seeing whos dick was longer. Justin Beiber said "Oh i dont have one" and jumped. Lil Wayne's was hangin down 20 stories "Tha's wassup!". and Chuck Norris was standing there moving around like he had a hoola hoop. Lil Wayne asked what he was doing and he said "Dodging Traffic"
I don't hate you, it's just... No, I hate you.
the 'because you love me' excuse
The kid next door was running round the garden waving a pretend wand and shouting out spells.
"I bet you really want to be like Harry Potter, don't you?" I asked him.
"Yeah!" he shouted excitedly.
So I killed his parents and locked him under the stairs.
girl: I love J.B. <3
boy: OMG SO DO I!!
girl: He's so sexy!
boy: Um...
girl: He's so hot! <3
boy: WTF?
girl: And he can do everything!
boy: Well, that I agree with.
girl: Justin Bieber is so cute!!
boy: Oh, I thought you were talking about Jack Black. =/
girl: ...
Even in year 13, the boy's in your class are still writing 5318008 into a calculator and turning it upside down to write BOOBIES -_-
A boy is crying while watching TV.
Mum: What's wrong?
Boy: Justin Bieber just got shot on CSI!
Mum: Aww, honey, it's not real, he's still alive...
Boy: That's why I'm crying.
Shiiiiit, look who's online...LOG OUT LOG OUT LOG OUT..."Hey whats up?"...damn.
The new report card system:
A = Asian
B = Below Asian
C = Can't be Asian
D = Don't bother trying to be Asian
F = F*ck it, you'll never be Asian
**** Definition of Bravery ****
Trying to fart even though you know you have diarrhea....
Dad : Son i think its time we had the talk.
Son : Dad i already know all about s*x
Dad : F*ck no i was gonna talk about prestiging on cod?
Son : ...........Go on
our boss asked us out to lunch and told us to choose wherever we wanted to eat. Thinking that she’d be paying for it, we chose a pricey seafood restaurant. When we'd eaten, she told us that we could pay her back later.
****Proof that women are bitchier than men****
Women always moan and complain when men leave the toilet seat up, but men never, ever say anything when women leave the seat down...
You can be the prince and I can be your princess..
You can be the sweet tooth and I can be the dentist..
You can be the shoes and I can be the laces..
You can be the heart that I spill on the pages..
You can be the vodka and I can be the chaser..
You can be the pencil and I can be the paper..
You can be as cold as the winter weather..
But I don't care as long as were together..
To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times
Did not come home at all - 36 times
Did not come - 21 times
Came too soon - 38 times
Went soft before you got it in - 19 times
Cramps in your leg - 16 times
Working too late - 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times
The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"
Love, Your Wife
I rushed my dog to the vet because he was foaming at the mouth. I returned home with a bill for $200 and a dog who apparently has a thing for marshmallows.
Girls Comes in the Class room,
Teacher:Emily, Why on earth are you this late to school?
Emily, I was blowing bubbles sir,
Teacher: Fine then go and sit down
Another girl come into the classroom
Teacher:Trisha, Why on earth are you this late to school?
Trisha: Bubbles was inside me sir,
Teacher: Ok then go and sit down
New boy comes in
Teacher: AND I SUPPOSE YOU WERE BLOWING BUBBLES OR SOMTHING LIKE THAT...?
New boy: No sir, I am bubbles
Teacher: Oh....
When I'm in the shower and I need to wash the shampoo out of my hair, I do so as fast as I can purely because it is the perfect time for a serial killer to strike.
"Dude she just called you italian"
"Oh hell no, hold my ipod!"
"what does that have to do with being italian?"
"Absolutely nothing, why?"
"Nothing... I just thought since you were italian, you'd be holding a pizza or something..."
Don't you hate it when the guy you've liked forever only looks at you as a good friend, then a tart comes along and breaks his heart and you want smash her face in!
"Oh cool its bendable!", *SNAP* "never mind"
There is one person in everyone's life who always gets given numerous chances. The reason?
Because you love them more than you hate them...
My girlfriend phoned me and said "Hey, wanna come over cuz no one is home. :D" So I went over and rang the door bell. She answered, so I broke up with her for lying to me.
Like if you get it.
This is so true: In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Everyday I fear that eventually you are going to discover that I'm not as great as you once thought I was...