Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Mocking people in a voice they don't even have.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Dear girls,
i dont care if your hair isnt straight,
i dont care if you bite your nails,
i dont care if your teeth are wonky,
i dont care if your not as skinny as another girl,
i dont care if eyelashes arent long enough,
all i want is a good sandwich.
I don't get the saying, "You snooze you loose"
I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and I woke up feeling like a champion.
I wish I could bring you back from heaven, even if it was just for one day...
A boy is crying while watching TV.
Mum: What's wrong?
Boy: Justin Bieber just got shot on CSI!
Mum: Aww, honey, it's not real, he's still alive...
Boy: That's why I'm crying.
To my ex: I don't like you like I thought
To my boyfriend: I like you a lot but I'm scared you'll hurt me
To my future:... I have nothing to say but don't hurt me more than those douches
Spread the fail whale
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Teachers have always said that red is a primary colour and you can't mix two colours to make it. Well, according to many soccer commentators: yellow + yellow = red.
At 3 yrs old we say: "Mommy, I love you".
At 10: "Mom whatever!"
At 16: "My mom is so annoying"!
At 18: "I wanna leave this house".
At 25: "Mom, you were right".
At 30: "I wanna go back to my Mom's house".
At 50: "I don't wanna lose my Mom".
At 70: "I would give up EVERYTHING for my Mom to be here with me". You only have one Mom.
Like this if you couldn't live without your mom ♥
***Things That Make You Go Hmmmm?***
If a turtle lost it's shell, would it be homeless or naked?
Commonly used phrases we say, but never realise they cancel each other out:
1) Clearly misunderstood
2) Exact Estimate
3) Small Crowd
4) Act Naturally
5) Found Missing
6) Fully Empty
7) Pretty ugly
8) Seriously funny
9) Only choice
10) Original copies
Everyone wants happiness. No one wants pain. But you can't have a rainbow without a little rain...
I hate when on MTV Cribs kids say "...and this is my 103 inch plasma TV." Im like, "No, that's your parents 103 inch plasma TV. All you did was fall out of the right v*gina...
I Saw That Little Speech Bubble What Were You Going to Say
I will never be your first kiss, I will never be your first love. I'm not your first valentine, first fight, first teddy bear, or first date. I'm not in this to be your first anything,.. I just want to be your last.
Sunny days
Single doesn't mean that you're a b*tch, a sh*t lover or that you know nothing about love. It just means that you haven't met that right person who doesn't deserve your love.
Jagerbombs
Roses are red,
Nuts are brown,
Skirts are up,
Pants are down,
Body to body,
Skin to skin,
When it's stiff stick it in.
The hardest job in the world must be having to work in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required to work their....."Must Not Pop Bubbles, Must Not. Pop. Bubbles..."
If a girl leans towards you, headbut her.
If a girls hand is free, get her to hold your bag.
If your girl logs off, demand the bitch texts you.
And if shes upset, tell her to grow a set of balls.
Don't you hate when you read in your head and you sound like a pro, but when it comes to reading aloud you sound like a complete retard...
*1 friend request* (250 friends in common) "... i still dont know you lol"
My teacher told us essays are like skirts.... "Long enough to cover the subject short enough to make it interesting."
"All I do is WIN WIN WIN no matter what..."
Grandma, you're just at the ATM, chill man.
I wish friends were like money; so you could hold them up to the light to find out which ones were real and which ones are fake.