Hey, Durex are teaming up with Harry Potter to help young wizards and witches stay safe while they are getting intimate with each other. Their slogan is going to be "Protect your slytherin from her hogwarts while you are in her chamber of secrets."
Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Mocking people in a voice they don't even have.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
meeting new people who you instantly get along with :)
I had Lord Voldemort round for a curry and some beers last night.
I woke up this morning and the cheeky f*cker had left a dark mark in the toilet.
The awkward moment when you're in a lift with an obese person and they catch you looking at the weight limit sign...
I've got a dilemma, I haven't washed up for weeks, so....
Do I now wash the dishes...?
Or
Do I attempt to eat cornflakes from a cup.... with a knife...?
I stole my friends phone the other day and switched his girlfriends and mothers numbers over. I thought it was a great idea, especially when he sent a picture of his Weiner to his mother...
Why is it, if a songs plays on my iPod and I don't like it, I skip it. But when you are listening to the radio, If that same song comes on then it's automatically good?
instant smile when the person you wanted to text you, texts you.
Make-up can make you look pretty on the outside, but it can't help if you are ugly on the inside...
Definition of the word Bank:
A place that will lend you money so long as you can prove that you don't need it...
No matter how old you are, you are NEVER too old to dress up for Halloween! :)
Boy:"why do you striaghten your hair?" Girl:"becuase it makes my hair longer" Boy:"really?" *30 min later* Docter:"so tell me why you burnt your dick with a straightener?" Boy:...
Girl at 5:00AM
Take shower
Get Dressed
Do hair
Put on makeup
And now it's 7:30 and time for school.
Guy at 7:00AM
HOLY CRAP!
Throws on clothes
combs half of hair
runs outside without backpack.
Don't you just hate it when there's a van load of men with guns on their way to your house and the only weapon in the house to protect yourself is a screwdriver
I WISH I HAD UNLIMITED MONEY
Kelso: I'm gonna grow a beard...
Fez: May I grow a beard too?
Kelso: I don't know Fez, the two of us growing a beard together... isn't that kinda girlie?...
That awkward moment when you are in class, and your teacher asks you to read out loud, and you don’t even know what page they’re on.
Boy: I love you
Girl: Prove it! Scream to the world that you love me
Boy: *whispers* I love you
Girl: Why'd you whisper it to me?
Boy: 'Cause YOU ARE MY WORLD!
Mom: Clean your room!
You: Fine (shoves every thing under the bed)
You: Mom rooms clean.
Mom: Good job now clean every thing under your bed.
You:...
Who ever decided to package scissors in plastic that needs a lightsaber to open needs shooting... in the head...
*********Dirty Mind Test #985***********
Whats starts with the letter 'P' and ends in 'orn'?
Answer: Popcorn...
What where you thinking?
Dude! She just called you gay!
Oh hell no, here, hold my iPhone...
"How was the test?" "I failed..."
ENEMY - HAHAHAHA! Serves you right!
FRIEND - Okay...
GOOD FRIEND - Aww cheer up. You'll do better next time.
BEST FRIEND - HAHAHAHA! I FAILED TOO! HIGH-FIVE!
Best friends are awesome!
I got pulled over the other day by the police.
The Cop asked: Is there any marijuana in the vehicle?
Apparently, "How much do you need?" was not the appropriate answer...
Student: Sir, can i got to the bathroom?
Teacher: No it can wait
Student: No. i NEED to go to the bathroom...
Teacher: No! now sit down.
Student: DO YOU WANT ME TO BLEED ON YOUR SEAT?!
A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife, "What's the problem?" She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ej*culation." The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?" The husband replies, "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me."