Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Edward: "I could kill you in seconds. So shutup."
Jacob: "What are you gonna do exactly? Sparkle me to death?!"
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
When someone likes your status that you shared about a week ago and you think to yourself..
“That b*tch must be stalking me…”
I hate how when you lose something and I spend hours looking for it and I don't find it. Then my mom looks and it magically appears after 2 minutes of looking..
**** What happens if you go to bed with an itchy butt? ****
You wake up with stinky fingers...
Girl: Hey look, gullible is written on the roof.
Guy: *looks up*
Girl: lol, you're so gullible !!!
Guy: but it does say gullible...
Girl: *looks up*
Guy: who's gullible now BITCH!!!
"Are you home?" "No... I just picked up my house phone from Burger King..."
Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a hooker for a hug.
If people are always trying to bring you down, it just means they are jealous because you are above them.
I dont have the best body,
The prettiest eyes,
The softest, most perfect hair,
Amazing skin,
Big boobs,
or even a picture perfect smile.
But that doesnt mean Im not good enough.
**** Who Else Does This #54 ****
Whenever my parents ask who i'm texting or who i'm talking to, I automatically think of a friend who is the same gender as me that they already approve of.
Showers aren't just for cleaning, and some people don't go in just for cleaning.... It's for...
A place thinking about life...
A place when your depressed...
A place to sing without getting embarrassed...
A place for alone time...
A place to get warmth...
Showers are amazing!
Don't gain the world and lose your soul..
Wisdom is better than silver or gold..
-Bob Marley
That awkward moment when you're feeling great and the day is good and your in the mood for some cereal but then... You open the fridge and there's no milk. :'(
Hitting the snooze 14 times before you roll your lazy a$$ out of bed
Christmas just didn't feel like Christmas this year :(
i might bully you, but you know i love you;)
Who else rubs their shoe against the long brush on the escalator, thinking that it'll clean it?
evil dude: come to the dark side, we have cookies...
me: yeah, but do you have cake?
evil dude: no...
me:yeah, well the light side does. i heard their serving free ice cream today too!
evil dude:... can i come to the light side?
me: no, your evil.
evil dude: :'(
like if you cried :'(
When I was younger, my friends and I used to play tig, hide and seek, stuck in the mud, cops and robbers, kiss chase and duck duck goose.
These days kids just play Xbox or PS3
They don't know what they are missing out on...
Saying 'lol' more than once in a sentence
Dear Adults,
I'm a teenager, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't do any kinds of drugs, I'm not going out having s*x. My idea of fun is playing guitar, listening to music, and shooting guns, at targets. Whoever said that our generation is so terrible, please don't be so judgmental. Not all of us are bad, you guys just don't take the time to look for the right ones.
Sincerely, "good" kids.
The phrase 'Oh snap!'
Today, the class b**tch jokingly asked a slightly overweight girl "So, when are you due?" The b*tch was speechless when the girl replied, "I don't know, ask your boyfriend ;)"
See this cup? It's got alcohol in it. Therefore anything I do or say beyond this point should not be taken seriously and I apologise in advanced for anything that may cause harm or offence.
What gets longer when pulled, fits between a women's B00Bs, inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked hard?...A SEAT BELT
The awkward moment when you are an Atheist and you die and come back as a tree, but then they cut you down, turn you into paper and then print a bible on you...