When a girl hacks a Facebook account: OMG Amy! You have been hacked By Megan! Love Ya
Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Edward: "I could kill you in seconds. So shutup."
Jacob: "What are you gonna do exactly? Sparkle me to death?!"
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
I am currently involed in a poking war.
what do you do if you see your ex , running around in your front yard
covered in blood and screaming for help ?
stay calm . reload . and try again
When i say LOL, i don't literally mean i laughed out loud. What i actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nostrils, similar to a bull.
Dad: Son, did you change your relationship status to "It's Complicated" on Facebook?
Son: Yeah...
Dad: Why? Can't you decide which hand to use...
Whoever let women in the army, I salute you.
Women on their period, with a gun...
Unstoppable!
A blonde walks into a store.
Blonde: Can I get that T.V. in the corner please?
Shopkeeper: Sorry, I don't serve blondes.
The blonde goes and puts on a brunette wig.
Blonde: Can I get that T.V. in the corner please?
Shopkeeper: Sorry, I don't serve blondes.
Frustrated the blonde puts on a redhead wig.
Blonde: Can I get that T.V. in the corner please?
Shopkeeper: Sorry, I don't serve blondes.
Blonde: Damn it! How the hell'd you know I was a blonde!
Shopkeeper: That's not a T.V. in the corner it's a microwave.
Definition of the word Bank:
A place that will lend you money so long as you can prove that you don't need it...
"Dude! She just call-" "You know what? I don't care what she just called me. To be honest, I'm slightly confused as to how you keep hearing what she just said without me being aware of it, as we are obviously in close proximity. Oh, and another thing, how many things can you hold? Seriously? You already have my turtle, black ops, cake, and mascara, amongst other things. Just, just stop. Please.
Yes, my status is aimed at you. Bastard.
That feeling of accomplishment when you manage to punch your straw through a Capri-sun first time without any trouble...
Can you find the the mistake?
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
Mom: Clean your room!
You: Fine (shoves every thing under the bed)
You: Mom rooms clean.
Mom: Good job now clean every thing under your bed.
You:...
Looking at a friend and saying: "I will if you will."
When I Was Younger, I Put My Face Close To The Fan To Hear My Robot Voice
whats the difference between futurama and JLS.................................................................................................................................................................... there is only one bender in futurama
Boy: do you wear makeup?
Girl: yeah..
Boy: why?
Girl: so that i look better
Boy: then you better put alot more on.
December 21, 2012 is the day 1/4 of the population commits suicide, another 1/4 overdoses on drugs and the other half of the population lives because they're not retarded
Don't you just hate it when your having a conversation with someone and then your spit decides to leap out of your mouth and land on the other person.
Even weirder is the fact both of you know what has just happened and you just ignore it...
8 of the worst pains in the world:
1) knocking your elbow or knee against a table or chair real hard.
2) burning your tongue on a hot drink.
3) stepping on a sharp rock or prickle.
4) paper cuts.
5) stubbing your toe
6) biting you tongue!
7) getting kicked in the balls.. or childbirth...
8) listening to 'Friday' by Rebecca Black....
10 signs that you know your falling in love
1. You get jelouse when he talks to other girls
2. Cant stop thinking about him
3. You smile every time your around him
4. You never wanna stop talking to him
5. You always wanna be around him
6. You get butterflys whenever you talk to him.
7. You never want to leave him
8. Alwys talk to your friends about him
9. You fantisise about hm
10. This whole time youve been thinkng about 1 certain person :)
I don't get the saying, "You snooze you loose"
I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and I woke up feeling like a champion.
I hate when you're trying to type something then someone interupts you and you start typing what they was saying to you!
Facebook. I like to use my enter button to start a new line in my post. I like having the click to comment feature. nice to know you are still finding more ways to tamper with unnecessary shit rather than give us what we actually want: A dislike button.
I got a card today saying 'Happy Valentine's Day love, from you know who'.
Why the f*ck is Lord Voldemort sending me letters?
*texting in class*
Teacher: OI YOU! ARE YOU TEXTING IN CLASS AGAIN?!
Student: no..I just randomly look down at my d*ck and start smiling.