Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Best ever game as a child: make sure the balloon does not touch the floor
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
I signed up to a gym the other day and I got a free session with a personal trainer.
Me: "I want a to be able to impress all the girls, tell what machines to go on..."
Personal Trainer: "Haha you don't need the gym for that, there's an ATM over there, just use that...
**********When I Was Younger*************
When I was younger, I used to pour my pop into the lid of my drink bottle and pretend to take a shot.
**** Dirty Mind Test #54 ****
MYPENISINYOURMOUTH.............
It reads "My Pen Is In Your Mouth".........
What Was You Thinking?
I like the fact that I am able to honestly say "I know the difference between their, there, they’re, then, than, effect and affect!!!"
Learn English people!
OMG this song is so amazing!"....5 minutes later.... "OMG have you heard this song it's awesome!" .... "ugh"
i just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes and I though to myself, "Wow dogs are easily entertained..."
Then I realised, I just watched my dog chase it's tail for ten minutes...
What shall I wear, no, no, no, nope, no, no, urm I wore that yesterday... Oh well nobody saw me yesterday so I'll just wear it again today...
Scientifically it has been proven that too many birthdays can kill you...
God made coke.
God made pepsi.
God made me.
Oh so sexy.
God made rivers.
God made lakes.
God made you.
Well.. we all make mistakes..
Teachers have always said that red is a primary colour and you can't mix two colours to make it. Well, according to many soccer commentators: yellow + yellow = red.
"Get off the internet so I can use the house phone!"
Those were the days...
I like turtles because they're so chill. They don't hurt anyone. They're just like, "Hey man, I want to swim, and maybe eat some lettuce. But I'm gonna take my time getting there, I'm not in a rush. Because I'm a turtle."
Bruno Mars had a grenade and Taio Cruz had dynamite.
They both threw them at Kay Perry who exploded like a Firework.
The bang was so loud that the Black Eyed Peas got confused and forget The Time while Rihanna ran round asking everyone What's My Name...
Eminem looked around a said Im Not Afraid while Far East Movement was scared who flew away Like A G6.
Then Nelly woke up and said it was Just A Dream.
J.K. Rowling, I was fine when you said that Harry's parents were dead. Fine, when you killed Sirius. Okay, when you killed Hedwig and Mad-Eye. A little mad when you killed Dumbledore. BUT YOU CROSSED THE LINE BY KILLING DOBBY!!!!!!!!!!
Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live! - Bob Marley
Boy goes to a strip club; his mom gets angry and asks him: "did u see anything there that u were not supposed to see?"
Boy; ''yes... i saw Dad..."
I don't know if you noticed but ur face is orange + your neck is white? (:
When those "Cruelty to Animals" adverts come on the TV, I force my dogs to sit and watch just so they know how lucky they are. Spoilt Brats...
It's amazing how one day someone walks into your life, then the next day you wonder how you lived without them ♥
You see a robber in your house ready to steal all your stuff.
60% would silently call the police for help.
25% would let them go.
15% would grab the nearest weapon and beat the living day lights out of the robber.
Like this if you are that 15%. :D
Fact #256
Sea levels aren't rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking...
Read each sentence:This is this cat. This is is cat.This is how cat. This is to cat. This is keep cat. This is a cat. This is retard cat. This is busy cat. This is for cat. This is 40 cat. This is seconds cat. Now read every third word in each sentence :)
It has been scientifically proven that any women can be satisfied with only 3.5 inches. The good thing is that it doesn't matter whether it's Visa, MasterCard or Amex.
Almost sneezing, making that face, not sneezing, and looking like an idiot
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have s3x all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies
"F*ck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"