Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Best ever game as a child: make sure the balloon does not touch the floor
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Having a nice body when standing up and when you sit down you look like a fat sh*t!
Make a "don't like" button on facebook!!
This blonde went to the pizza place and ordered a pizza. The pizza guy asked her if she wanted it cut into six pieces or twelve.
“Oh, six,” she said. “I could never eat twelve pieces.”
Teacher; Where's your homework?
Student; Written in the stars..
Teacher; Where's that?
Student; A million miles away..
Teacher; What's it about?
Student; A message to the mainn, ooohhh..
Teacher; What are you talking about?
Student; Seasons come and go, but I will never change..
Teacher; TO THE HEAD'S OFFICE, NOW.
Student; I'm on my waaaaaaaayyyy..
I hate when people call me with a hidden number... Next time I get one I'm going to answer "Hi Spencer's Sperm Bank, you jack it, we pack it. How may I help you...
"Girl is over her boyfriend house"
Boy:(Playing Xbox)
Girl:(sitting on the boys bed sad)
Boy:Whats wrong babe?
Girl:Oh nothin
Boy:(Turns off Xbox)
Girl:Why did you stop playing?
Boy:Cause my baby girl is more important than my xbox
Girl:Awh(smiles)
Boy:( Turns on Playstation3 )
Below is a breakdown of why I check my voicemail:
5% I actually about who phoned.
95% I just want to get the annoying notification symbol off of my screen
I Hate Getting Texts That Only Say "k"
Dwayne Johnson, you will always be 'The Rock' in my heart.
When you have a cold drink with ice in it and you put some ice in your mouth and start crunching away, then people are like "What you eating?" and you reply "Ice kooob"
I hate when I plan out an entire argument in my head, then other person doesn't stick to the script...
LIKE if you know someone who needs a smack in the face with a shovel
Dear Noah, We could of sworn you said the Ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely Unicorns.
All these 'likes' are starting to tell my whole life story
Eddie desperately wanted to have s*x with this hot girl at work, but she had a boyfriend. One day Eddie got so desperate that he went to her & said "I'll give you $100 if you let me have s*x with you..."
The girl looked at him shocked and said "Hell No!"
Eddie replied, "I'll be real quick, I'll throw the money on the floor, and when you bend over to pick it up, I'll be in and out in a flash, I’ll be finished by the time you've picked up all the money."
The girl thought about it for a moment and said "But i have a boyfriend, let me check if it’s ok with him..."
So she phoned her boyfriend and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says "Ask him for $200. Pick up the money really quick, he won’t even have chance to pull his trousers down."
The hot girl agrees to Eddie’s proposal and Eddie throws $200 on the floor. After 45 mins, the boyfriend get worried and calls the hot girl to see if there plan worked. When she answers the phone, the boyfriend says, "What the f*ck happened, where are you?"
Still breathing heavily, the girl replies, "The b*stard had all quarters! Don’t blame me!"
Teacher leave the room during a test:
Elementary- *silence*
Middle- *whispers* can i have gum?
High school- *yells across the room* hey whats number 1?
Theres always one friend who eats everyone's gherkins in Mcdonalds
Dear men,
Your jokes about make-up and women in the kitchen are NOT funny.
Sincerely,
Hundreds of unamused women!
Can you find the the mistake?
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
Dear Mary,
Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.
Sincerely, Joseph
The awkward moment when you look up from your phone and the person you have been following around the supermarket isn't your Mom.
Dear Facebook can we have a dislike button for things like America, Miley Cyrus, Justin Beiber And That Friggin Wannabe Rebecca Black
Thanks!
Facebook Users
When you put your leg out of your blanket because your hot, and then getting scared because you feel exposed to monsters!!
A man is in a hotel lobby. As he runs to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman and as he does, his elbow hits her brea$t.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your brea$t, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your peni$ is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 243."
I like stomping on the ground next to bugs just to show them who's in charge and to make them appreciate life more.