Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Mocking people in a voice they don't even have.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
The only way to accept an insult is to ignore it.
If you can't ignore it, top it.
If you can't top is, laugh at it.
If you can't laugh and it, you probably deserved it.
We always ignore the ones who adore us, and adore the ones who ignore us.
Their were 2 women in heaven they were talking about how they got there...
woman 1: how did you get here then?...
woman 2: I froze to death
woman 1: awww what a shame...
woman 2: what happened to you?
woman 1: i thought my husband was cheating on me so i came home and searched everywhere under the beds, in the closets but couldn't find anyone, i got so stressed out i had a heart attack and died...
woman 2: well if you had checked in the freezer we both wouldnt be here!
Spelling a word so badly that even Microsoft Word Spell Checker & Google's 'Did You Mean?' doesn't even know WTF you were trying to type....
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
That mini heart attack moment when you go to take that extra step on the stairs that isn't actually there...
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
If Facebook ever shut down, you'd see people aimlessly walking round streets, scribbling on walls, and poking each other.
5 things boys should know about girls.
1. when we look at your mouth we want to you kiss us.
2. when we say we're fine, we're really not.
3. when we say we're cold we want you to hug us.
4. when we don't wear makeup it's because we trust you.
5. when we put our hands by our side we want you to hold it.
The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have.
*After a Date*
Boy: I"ve...had the time of my life.
Girl: Me too.
Boy: And I"ve never felt this way before.
Girl: Me too!
Boy: I swear, this is true...
Girl: *Smiles*
Boy: ...And I owe it all to you. *looks at girl*
Girl: Aww! Your so sweet! I love yo-
Boy: DIRTY BIT. *starts breakdancing really hard right there in the middle of the street*
Girl: ..
You can be the prince and I can be your princess..
You can be the sweet tooth and I can be the dentist..
You can be the shoes and I can be the laces..
You can be the heart that I spill on the pages..
You can be the vodka and I can be the chaser..
You can be the pencil and I can be the paper..
You can be as cold as the winter weather..
But I don't care as long as were together..
The other night me and my girlfriend had an argument just before bed. She called me childish and said I have to sleep on the couch.
But the jokes on her, because I built a fort out of the cushions on the couch and i hung a "Girls Not Allowed" sign up.
One day i will actually hit you.
Friends:
"I don't have any lunch money."
"Aww, here's $5."
Best Friends:
"I don't have any lunch money."
"Good, you were getting fat anyway."
BEST PRANK EVER. . I took my friend's phone and changed my contact name to mom.
Then texted her: I read you diary. You are grounded and I'm coming to pick you up right now. She started flipping out and got really scared
The many uses of "fml";
-fuck my life ;
-forgot my lunch ;
-feed my llama ;
-fuck me later ;
-free my lizard ;
-feel my lollipop ;
i.f.y.o.u.w.a.s.t.e.d.y.o.u.r.t.i.m.e.r.e.a.d.i.n. g.t.h.i.s.y.o.u.a.r.e.a.w.s.o.m.e
When you're telling someone a really funny story, and when it finally ends they look at you like you're on crack and you're like "dude, you had to be there"
America sent us Miley Cyrus, so Canada got their revenge with Justin Bieber. However, America got back at Canada on Friday with.... Rebecca Black.
When you log on to facebook and see 89 notifications, and 6 messages you know you've said something you shouldn't have.
Asking who is the 'man' and who is the 'woman' in a gay relationship is like going into a Chinese restaurant and asking which chopstick is the fork.
How to cook something frozen:
1. Take it out of the box.
2. Put the food in the oven/ microwave
3. Throw away box.
4. Take box back out of the bin because you forgot to check the cooking instructions.
Find the sad face! :):):):):):):):):):):): like if you found it!
Whenever someone asks me to recommend a movie, I all of a sudden forget every good movie ever made...