Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Edward: "I could kill you in seconds. So shutup."
Jacob: "What are you gonna do exactly? Sparkle me to death?!"
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a p*nis have in common?
****************************************************************
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
OMG this song is so amazing!"....5 minutes later.... "OMG have you heard this song it's awesome!" .... "ugh"
When you check the refrigerator one minute and find nothing to eat, then you goe back 5 minutes later as if something is magically going to appear.
**** Things that make you go hmmmm? ****
If twin females marry twin males and each couple have a child, will both children look alike?
Girl: (crying)
Boy: What happened?
Girl: The guy I like has a girlfriend..
Boy: Well, he's an idiot for picking her instead of you.. His girlfriend must be a slut.
Girl: I can't believe you called your girlfriend a slut:D
Boy:...
The awkward moment when chat is down for maintenance and you cant ask your long term girlfriend of 5 years to marry you and she decides to ditch you for an Eskimo and moves to Alaska just because chat was down for maintenance.
**** Definition of Dubstep ****
Music that sounds like two transformers having wild s*x...
Girl- "Hey"
Boy- "Hi"
Girl- "Wassup?"
Boy- "Nothing, you?"
Girl- "Me too."
Boy- "Cool"
Girl- "Yeah."
*End of conversation. Like if this happens to you*
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have s*x when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for s*x." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.
Scrolling Down You're Facebook Feed:
Don't care...Whore...Your life sucks...Song lyrics...Inside Joke?...Needs a therapist...
Screw Osama, I'm better at hide and seek than him. They still haven't found me yet...
I like turtles because they're so chill. They don't hurt anyone. They're just like, "Hey man, I want to swim, and maybe eat some lettuce. But I'm gonna take my time getting there, I'm not in a rush. Because I'm a turtle."
"Dude, she called you a chav..." "OH HELL NO - hold my ciggarette, hoop earings, pink trackie bottoms and my tesco value trainers"
Stupid Law #65: Did you know that America is the only country in the world where not wearing your seatbelt carries a greater penalty then murdering your children...
In 2011 i've said "i love you" and meant it
Lazy Rule #1: Get your Facebook statuses from like sites, mobile phone apps, lyrics and anything else random that you come across...
To my ex: I don't like you like I thought
To my boyfriend: I like you a lot but I'm scared you'll hurt me
To my future:... I have nothing to say but don't hurt me more than those douchesI don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Like if its a sunday, you're bored, hungry, your homework is still in your bag from friday and you have no idea what to do with your life.
Hey, I swear that somewhere in the dark corners of my room, there is a secret tribe of single socks hiding and laughing their asses off at me...
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were sitting around trying to compare their boyfriends to brands of pop.
The redhead said "My boyfriend is like 7-up. He is seven inches long and he is always up."
The brunette said "My boyfriend is like Mountain Dew. He loves to do it in the Mountains all the time."
The blonde said "My boyfriend is like Jack Daniels."
The brunette cut in "You cant use Jack Daniels. Thats a hard liquor."
A smile crossed the blondes face. "I know"
What shall I wear, no, no, no, nope, no, no, urm I wore that yesterday... Oh well nobody saw me yesterday so I'll just wear it again today...
When your on your friends computer and you notice that their browsing history is empty... It's because of one of two reasons:
1. They have never been on the internet.
2. They were looking at p*rn before you got there and they don't want you to know.
Everybody has at least two address memorised. Their own address and...
P. Sherman
42 Wallaby Way,
Sydney.