Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Best ever game as a child: make sure the balloon does not touch the floor
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
I was having the best s*x I've ever had with my wife when the doctor walked in and said, "Look, I know this is an emotional time but it really is time to turn off her life support".
Being blamed for something you didn't do then laughing so they think you did.
**** I see what you did there -_- ****
That awkward moment when when you realise that there are two "when's" in the sentence and and also two "and's'"
That awkward moment when people are staring weirdly at you and you started thinking if you had done anything wrong. :O
A cucumber, an olive and a p*nis are talking.
The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."
The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."
The p*nis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"
it's not jason derulo, its JAAAAAYYSOOON DERRRULLLLLO ;).
There was 3 ladies on an island 1 blonde 1 brunette and a red-head. The city where they wanted to be was 20 miles away with sea between the the island and the city. The red-head swam 4 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the brunette sawm 10 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the blonde swam 19 miles, got tired, and swam back!!
1 in 20 of us live next door to a pedophile
but im lucky i only live next door to a lovely old man
who has a very impressive pair of binoculars
Men are born between a woman's legs. Then they spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in-between them.
Why?
Because there is no place like home...
I hate when people ask me "What on earth were you thinking!?"
Obviously I was thinking that I would get away with it and not have to f*cking explain it...
I'm Proud 2 say: I Don"t Smoke
If the Bell doesn't dismiss me then the Bell doesn't decide when I arrive.
Ha, I've just got an email off some guy in Africa. Apparently my great uncle in law who i never knew i had died and left me £2000000. All I've got to do to get it is send this guy £5000, as well as my name, address, and all my bank details, so he can sort it all out.
I'll be seeing you suckers later....
That moment when you have just got into bed after a long hard day and then you realise that you have forgot something, so you lie there for a while contemplating whether it's worth getting back up for...
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
I'm too sexy for you anyway :)
My milkshake brings voldemort to the yard and i'm like, it's hurting my scar...
If cheryl cole gets cheated on, then we've got no hope.
Boy: Will you go out with me?
Girl: Omg, YES!
Girl: Can you please take me home?
Boy: Why, you didn't change your mind, did you?
Girl, No, I just wanna change my relationship status to In a Relationship on Facebook.
Boy: o.O
What does the Mafia and going down on a girl have in common?
*************************************************************************
One slip of the tongue and your in deep sh*t...
NEVER WALK ON GRASS :
Grass=ants=biting=irritation=cranky=no friends=attempted suicide=hospital=drugs=overdose=high=happy=lots of friends =partying=alcohol=sex=herpes=itchy=unhappy=no friends=attempt suicide 2=rehab=Amy Whinehoise= sex=publicity= fame=money=women=kids=broke=cardboard box=smelly=no friends=kill the world=join the russians= make nuclear bomb=kill everyone except me=sadness=attempts suicide=no hospital=death=aliens take over earth=no more humans=thanks alot grass -.-
Saying "ew" when you hear someone's name that you don't like.
That "aww F*ck" moment when your mom phones to say she's almost home and you look around and you haven't done any of the things that she asked you to do...
After 34563754564 notifications, I can honestly say I regret liking your status.
A kid staggered into his classroom one morning. He answered all of the questions with a slurred voice. The teacher says: "Is there anything wrong?" and the kid replies: "I swear to drunk, I'm not God!"