Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Edward: "I could kill you in seconds. So shutup."
Jacob: "What are you gonna do exactly? Sparkle me to death?!"
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
...condom says to the tampon, "You put me out of a job for 1 week a month!" The tampon replies, "When you don't do your job properly, I lose mine for 9 months!"
Don't you hate when you are having a staring contest, and you sneeze.
A woman comes home to find her husband using a hair dryer on his p*nis.
She Ask:l What on earth are you doing?
He Replies: Heating up your dinner darling...
-Do you speak English?
-Yes
-Name?
-Adolf Bumin.
-Sex?
-3 to 5 times a week.
-No, I mean..male/female?
-Yes, male,female and sometimes camels.
-Holy cow!
-Yes, cows, sheep...Animals in general.
-Oh dear,
-No, deer runs too fast.-Do you speak English?
-Yes
-Name?
-Adolf Bumin.
-Sex?
-3 to 5 times a week.
-No, I mean..male/female?
-Yes, male,female and sometimes camels.
-Holy cow!
-Yes, cows, sheep...Animals in general.
-Oh dear,
-No, deer runs too fast..
boy: i love you. girl: prove it. boy: how? girl: get rid of your xbox. boy: get out...
"STOP! STOP! STOP!" ... "I have a rock in my shoe.."
To all the users of Facebook: 1. Women, we do not wan't to see a profile picture of you making out with your boyfriend, it's disgusting. 2. Men, we know, your girlfriend is extremely hot, stop bragging about it or i'll rip your balls off.
That WTF moment when your reading a WTF moment and you realise that you have had the same WTF moment and you are like WTF!
Boy: "Hey baby, want to come over tonite?" Girl: "Sure! What do you want to do?" Boy: "I'll give you a hint. It involves pillows and blankets ;)" Girl: "OH MY GOD! WE'RE GONNA BUILD A FORT!?"
Duvet not covering foot . . . foot not safe :(
hearing yourself sing in the shower and wondering why the fuck you havent made an album yet.
Saying guns kill people is like blaming a pen for misspelling a word.
Is it just me, or does having family members as friends on Facebook limit the things that you can say.
I Saw That Little Speech Bubble What Were You Going to Say
Who is ready to make an epic wish on 11/11/11 at 11:11am?
Women live longer than men because they get excersice by constantly cooking and cleaning. Not because they're healthier. Silly b******. :)
Things I do when I'm home alone:
-Stay on facebook to clear my mind.
-Get sucked into the Tv.
-Run around the house checking every room.
-Hear noises and run to Mom's room to go see her then realize she's still not home.
-Lay under my covers.
-Secretly sing to myself.
-Act ninja.
Hey, I'm a guy. I'm single. I would never cheat on you. I would always text you first, tell you that you're beautiful every day, say I love you in front of my friends, never choose my video games over you, protect you, try my best to never make you cry, hold you and never let you go, kiss you in the pouring rain. Yes, ladies, I do exist. No, I'm not gay. Stop dating douche-bags and jerks. Date me
"Not everything on the internet is true..."
Wait, so you mean there's not beautiful singles in my area dying to meet me?
I'm so G im almost H
If women ruled the world, there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
Listening to someone telling a story and thinking: Lie, lie, lie, b.s., lie, lie
During hot, passionate s*x with my girlfriend, the famous, heroic words were moaned...
"You make me feel like a woman.."
I dont know why i said it, it just felt right.
Have you ever wondered which hurts the most: saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing, and wishing you had?
The early bird gets the worm................... But the angry bird gets the pig.......