Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Mocking people in a voice they don't even have.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
If a girl takes her makeup off around you, has her hair a mess around you, even when she's in the worst state, she loves you.
Don't you hate it when your ex says to you "I'm here if you need me..."
"Where the F*UK were you when we were together and I needed you!"
I hate it when you no the boy likes you but he just doesn't have the guts to say "i love you!"
What makes a girl cute is her behavior.
What makes a girl pretty is her face.
What makes a girl hot is her body.
What makes a girl beautiful is her personality.
What makes a girl stunning is all of the above.
The awkward moment when wikipedia has copied your homework.
This morning i thought i'd play a little joke on my girlfreind so i swapped her tampons with party poppers... Absolutely no sense of humour that girl.
**** I hate when this happens #69 ****
The awkward moment when you get a boner in school and the desk lifts up and flips over...
Roses are Red, Violets or Corny, when i think of you oh baby I get Horny, eat me, beat me, bite me, blow me, suck me, f**k me, very slowly when you kiss me dont be sassy, use your tounge and make it nasty!
Mom. Dad...
I'm already rushing.
calling me down 20 more times won't give me superspeed....
It's only putting me in a worse mood.
"Dude, she called you a chav..." "OH HELL NO - hold my ciggarette, hoop earings, pink trackie bottoms and my tesco value trainers"
Looking at a mirror at a party and thinking "Yeah, I'm drunk"
Dear Heart,
Please stop getting involved in everything, your job is to pump blood... That's it!
Sincerely
Every Boy and Girl In Love...
Dear Mom and Dad,
Please don't freak out if I don't answer my phone the first time. The chances of the battery being dead are much greater than the chances that I've been abducted and murdered by a serial killer.
Sincerely, 35 missed calls.
I'm the type of person who laughs at a joke 3 times, once when its told, again when it's explained, and a third time 5 minutes later when i finally get it :P
****On Facebook****
Oh look it's someone's birthday, Let me wish them Happy Birthday....Wait, wait, wait, they never wished me on my birthday or anything....
t(- -)t F*ck 'Em
One of my biggest goals in life that I wish to reach is being able to finish a whole tub of chap stick before I end up loosing the mother f*cker.
A pretty girl can kiss a guy, a bird can kiss a butterfly, the rising sun can kiss the grass, but you my friend, yes you, you can kiss my ass
Time spent → in the shower;
25% -- Daydreaming.
25% -- Building up courage to turn off water and step into cold air.
20% -- Turing in a circle to maintain even hot water distribution.
10% -- Catching water in your mouth and spitting it out.
10% -- Contemplating the hardest decisions of life.
7% -- Washing hair.
3% -- Washing other body parts.
Hey, Durex are teaming up with Harry Potter to help young wizards and witches stay safe while they are getting intimate with each other. Their slogan is going to be "Protect your slytherin from her hogwarts while you are in her chamber of secrets."
*During S*x Education*
*Teacher caught boy doing something to a girl*
Teacher : WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Boy : I just had s*x! ~
Teacher : WHAT?! WHY ARE YOUR WORKSHEETS ALL BLANK ???!
Boy : Because action speaks louder than words.
Dettol kills 99.9% of germs. That 0.1% germ is a Legend
I Hate Getting Texts That Only Say "k"
I don't care how busy you are, just text me so I know you're okay... :/
Squidward: Stop it Patrick, I'm claustrophobic.
Patrick: What does that mean?
Spongebob: It means he is scared of Santa Clause.
Patrick: HO HO HO!
Spongebob: Stop it Patrick, you are scaring him...
A police officer stops a man on the highway. The man says “Did you stop me for speeding?” The officer replies “Yes, I stopped you for speeding” The man replies “Well I have a gun in my glove compartment, and have a dead body in my trunk” The officer pulls back and calls for back up and waits. Minute’s later back up arrives. The second officer says “My partner says you had a dead body in the trunk and a gun is the glove compartment." So the cop checks the glove compartment, no gun. He checks the trunk, no body. Officer 2 asks, "Do you have a gun?" The man says, "No, sir." "Did you steal this car?" "Nope." At last policeman 2 says, "My partner said you had a dead body and a gun." The guy replies, "I bet he said I was speeding too!!"