Back to Facebook
If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it's probably a cow in disguise, don't let it fool you!
Next Page »
Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Best ever game as a child: make sure the balloon does not touch the floor
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Go ahead, pass me in the halls and pretend I don't exist; I hope every single F*CKING time we make eye contact, you relive every memory we've ever had. And I hope it hurts.
The awkward moment when your giving your girlfriend a bl*wjob and then you realise, your giving your girlfriend a bl*wjob!...
I always double check I've hung up on them before I start BlTCHING
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for s*x. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what s*x was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"
"Tarzan check for bees!"
I ♥ my Blackberry
Not only do we have the same name, but we're both black on the inside too.
gf ; what would you do if i broke up with you .
bf ; i would go back to my ex .
gf ; ( crying ) im breakin up with you .
* many hours later .*
bf ; will you go out with me ?
gf ; i thought you were going to your ex .
bf ; you are my ex . (:
gf ; ♥
bf ; ♥
Girls want a lot of things from one guy... conversely...
guys want a one thing from a lot of girls...
This is so true: In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
If you watch 127 Hours backwards it's an uplifting story about a disabled man finding an arm in the desert.
Randomer: AHH A VAMPIRE!!!
Vampire: AHH A CHAV
*both turn and look at Edward Cullen*
AHHH A PIXIEE!!!!!!!!
Just had a massive fight with my alarm clock. It kept going off trying to wake me up, but I wanted to sleep longer. So I grabbed my clock and threw it against the wall. Now my alarm clock is broken and I'm wide awake, not sure who won...
Grandpa Joe From Charlie & The Chocolate Factory = Scrounging B*stard.
20 Years he was in that bed, and as soon as a golden ticket comes along... "Oh actually I can walk, and I can dance around and hop and stuff..."
When you hear yourself singing in the shower and wonder..... Why the f*ck havent I made an album yet.
If the Bell doesn't dismiss me then the Bell doesn't decide when I arrive.
As I worked my lips down my wife's arm, kissing every bit of it I said, "Darling, if I had the rest of time with you, I'd spend it kissing every square inch of your body." She smiled and said, "Ah, because you love me so much...?" "No, because that's how long it would take."
I don't know why, but we all do it. We all push the buttons harder on the remote whenever the batteries have died. Like its actually going to work...
"And i was like f*ck you.'" "Did you say that!?" "Nah, but i thought it.."
Life is like a jar of jalapeños:
What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.
To all girls :You may think you are unpopular,You may WANT to be normal,you may want to be skinny,or fatter.You don't want to have mood changes or periods.You may think doing drugs, having sex and smoking is "cool".But underneath all that you just want to be perfect.Everyone does. But guess what... You ARE perfect! Just the way YOU are.So be unpopular, be unique! Don't do drugs, or smoke or drink. Be who YOU are because if your friends don't appreciate you for that,your friends aren't really your friends.
Some people were dropped as a baby. YOU were clearly thrown at a wall.
(on the phone)
me "Dad i need directions, we can't find our way"
Dad "I'll call you back later, I'm in the middle of a game"
(off the phone)
My dads on my freakin xbox playin Black Ops again.
"No offense" means "I'm about to insult you, but don't get mad."
"I like your accent!" "What accent?" That accent!" "I have an accent?"
BEFORE my headphones go in they have to be fully untangled and the R and L in the right ears :)
Next Page »
Terms of Service
Me Like This © 2010. All Rights Reserved - This site is not affiliated with Facebook.