Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Edward: "I could kill you in seconds. So shutup."
Jacob: "What are you gonna do exactly? Sparkle me to death?!"
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man sleeping on a bench. I thought it would be funny to throw a small rock at him. He thought it would be funny to pull out his knife and chase me for six blocks. FML
If more females would sit down and be ladies, more males would stand up and be gentlemen.
Two blondes fall down a pit.
First Blonde: "It's dark in here isn't it..."
Second Blonde: "I don't know, I can't see..."
Today I’m giving you something very special, my heart ..... please be careful how you handle it , not because it’s mine , but because Your inside it
**** Seriously. Come on, it's 2011 already ****
Can we please have:
1. Waterproof Phones
2. Flying Cars
3. Portals
man- will you be quiet woman, im trying to watch the game!
woman- i dont care, i dont wanna watch this anymore.
man- damnit woman! go to your room!
woman- *walks into kitchen*
I love your accent, it's awesome! Say more words!!!
Whats up with him? "I think he's on his period" (:
Don't you hate when you are having a staring contest, and you sneeze.
Whoever let women in the army, I salute you.
Women on their period, with a gun...
Unstoppable!
When you’re going around class taking turns reading, you count ahead to the paragraph you’ll have to read and make sure you know all the words.
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. DAD: Son, where were you today during school hours? SON: At school*Robot slaps Son* SON: OK,I went to the movies. DAD: Which one? SON: Toy Story*Robot slaps son again* SON: OK, it was paranormal 3. DAD: WHAT? When I was your age I wasnt even aloud to see scary movies until i was 18!*Robot slaps Dad* MOM: HAHA! After all he's your son.*Robot slaps mom*
Hi Im school. I make you work 6 hours a day, 5 days a week. Don't get to excited about the weekend, cause I might just throw in some homework while Im at it. I take up most of your childhood and sometimes I'll give you pointless lessons to learn about things you'll never need in your life. Also Im going to give you crappy teachers who hate you, cause Im to school for cool :)
Dear 'real girls', stop complaining about 'fake girls', they aren't fake
Dear 'fake girls', stop complaining about 'real girls', they aren't jealous
Dear boys, shut up about girls complaining about you, we aren't all doing it!
Dear girls, stop complaining about boys, they aren't all jerks
Dear World. Stfu, grow up and stop complaining about each other. "
Dear ironic idiot, stop complaining about people complaining.
What do politicians and diaper's have in common?
*********************************************************
They both have to be changed every now and again for the same reason....
Raising your hand in class and saying something funny that has nothing to do with what you were talking about,everyone laughs at your joke, and then 5 min later some unpopular kid steals your joke trying to be funny.
A man and a woman started to have s*x in the middle of a dark forest. After 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says "Damn, I wish I had brought my flash light..."
The woman replies: "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
100 Friends - Thats ok.
200 Friends - Eh, Your getting there.
300 Friends - Good amount.
400 Friends - Sorta popular.
500 Friends - Your well known.
600 Friends - Your a sl*t.
700 Friends - Big sl*t.
800 Friends - You dont even know half of them.
900 Friends - Nerd.
1000 Friends - Facebook is your life.
No, I'm not being immature, I'm having fun. You should try it sometime.
During the summer, I like to go to the beach and make sand castles out of cement. Then I sit back and wait for all the little kids to try and kick them over....
That feeling of utter pure realised when you've been dieing for a piss for the past 4 hours and you pee yourself, Who else is with me? Anyone?.... FML!
Ever notice that in The Wizard of Oz, The Scarecrow, The Tinman, The Lion, and The Wizard were all men;~~~ no brains, no heart, no courage and a liar?
Statistics on Insanity: One out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
If he's complimenting your shirt he's staring at your boobs
If he's complementing your pants he's staring at your ass
If he's complementing your shoes honey he's Gay