You can do three things in life:
Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Damn! LOL - Your #1 source for daily funny pics!
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
The other day I got arrested at the airport. When I got to the security scanners, they asked me to take my trousers off and jacket.
What? I thought they said and jack it...
I went to a job interview the other day... The interviewer asked me some hard questions, one of them was "What's your biggest weakness?"
I replied "Kryptonite..."
I start on Monday.
What i think when someone uses the computer: - what the hell are you doing? - why would you use internet explorer? - oh my god! you type sooo slow, let me type. - no you spelled it wrong... - caps lock is on, moron - why would you click on the zwinky ad ... ohmygod - scroll down - i wish i was dead - hurry up - you don't need to double click on that, dumbass ... - get the f**k out of your chair and let me do it !!!
A bus full of ugly people met an accident, all of them died. Before entering heaven, they have given one wish, the first said: "make me beautiful" and it happened. The rest followed the same wish, when it came to the last person he was laughing. The voice asked him: why are you laughing? what is your wish? The last person answered: make them all ugly again!!
Trying to finish a dream by going back to sleep.
I hate boys who think they can get any girl.
Does anybody else other than me think that the person with the first dog must have been awkward? "Hey, don't mind the live canine over here, he won't bite with his sharp teeth."
What's a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girl all got in common?
All the senarios involve a dumbass who didnt take it out in time...
Justin Beiber walks by- Elementary school: OMG OMG OMG OMG JUSTIN BIIEBERRRRRRRRRRR! *screams* Middle school: OOO A FAMOUS PERSON! High school: OMFG WHERES MY SHOTGUN?!?!?!
guys are way hotter when...
they play an instrument (particularly guitar or keyboard)
they smile a lot
they are modest
they laugh at your lamest jokes
they have awesome hair
they have either green or blue eyes
like if you agree :)
Me: I wasn't that drunk!
Friend: Yes you was! When I tried taking the vodka bottle off of you, you kept on yelling "Swiper no swiping!"
*boy at gym doing situps
62....63....64....65...66....
*hot girl walks by*
69.....69...69.....69.....
A wife walks into her bedroom naked. Her husband asks "What on Earth are you wearing?"
She replies: "My birthday suit..."
He replies: "Well go and iron it!"
A woman comes home to find her husband using a hair dryer on his p*nis.
She Ask:l What on earth are you doing?
He Replies: Heating up your dinner darling...
WAS IT A CAR OR A CAT I SAW.. 'WASITACARORACATISAW'.. This is the only English sentence which even if we read in reverse, it'll give the same
Friends:
"I don't have any lunch money."
"Aww, here's $5."
Best Friends:
"I don't have any lunch money."
"Good, you were getting fat anyway."
I hate when you spell a common word correctly, but it looks wrong so you just site there staring at it questioning it's existence....
Grandpa Joe From Charlie & The Chocolate Factory = Scrounging B*stard.
20 Years he was in that bed, and as soon as a golden ticket comes along... "Oh actually I can walk, and I can dance around and hop and stuff..."
1991: Sh*i! Im pregnant! I havent even gratuated from high school yet... Everyones going to think im a whore...
2011: Yes! Im pregnant, woo hoo! No I can try out for next years 16 & pregnant!
Friend: Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah
Me: Hey! STFU while im texting...
Friend: Why?
Me: Because you're gonna make me type what we're saying...
President Bush tried and failed.
President Clinton tried and failed.
President Obama tried and succeeded.
.
The moral of this is...
If you want someone dead, hire a black man.
Roses are red,
Nuts are brown,
Skirts are up,
Pants are down,
Body to body,
Skin to skin,
When it's stiff stick it in.
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
Some people can't sleep because they have insomnia...
I can't sleep because I have an Internet Connection
Sometimes I Will Worry, Get Paranoid, And Feel Like Im Not Good Enough. Its only Because I Cant Imagine Meeting Anyone More Perfect, And Dont Want Anyone To Take You Away From Me