Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Mocking people in a voice they don't even have.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
i'd catch a grenade for ya......lol jk, i'd press r2 and throw it back :D
When I was younger and my Mom gave me carrots with my dinner, I always used to sit there while eating them and say "Eeh, what's up doc?"
There are four types of tv/movie watchers:
1. The Quiet One
2. The One Who Talks The Whole Movie
3. The One Who States The Obvious
4. The Funny Line Repeater
Like if you know someone who is one of these.
You think reading Shakespeare is hard? Imagine the poor people in a couple of hundred years time, who will be reading " So, like, I was like maaate I'm gonna shank yuu so ard bruv! and den Tairone was like "you havin' a bubble," and I was like "No mate, are you thick doe! but Shanesse was like OMG doe, Actual LOL innit! because she got a text from Brandon who said that Christa was like, on the chunder train after downing a whole bottle of Voddy and Strongy B......."
I'm not saying your child is ugly... I'm just saying you will never have to worry about paedophiles.
Mom, I could be dying and you're not answering the phone!
How Kids Are Influenced By Music #1
Kids Before: Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.
Kids now: Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me.
Can you find the the mistake?
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
Feelings don't die. We all keep them alive by feeding them memories. That's the exact reason why it is so hard to move on from a loved one...
Those times where you find the motherload of all money in your dream and wake up in your dream and it's right in front of you then you actually wake up and FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whenever someone texts me back saying "rofl" I always think of Scooby Doo trying to say "Waffle".....
I don't know why, but we all do it. We all push the buttons harder on the remote whenever the batteries have died. Like its actually going to work...
Mom: Clean your room!
You: Fine (shoves every thing under the bed)
You: Mom rooms clean.
Mom: Good job now clean every thing under your bed.
You:...
An english professor wrote the words: ''A woman without her man is nothing'' on the chalkboard. He asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote: ''A woman, without her man, is nothing.''
All the females in the class wrote: ''A woman: without her, man is nothing.''
Saying you'll wake up early in the morning to get something done, but then when it's time to wake up, you convince yourself that it's not that important.
I don't get old.....MOTHER F*CKER I LEVEL UP!
Thank you phone, for letting me look at you in awkward situations
Excuse Me Please Excuse Me Please EXCUSEEEE MEEEE, AH MOVE MAN
When you're single, you see happy couples and when you're in a relationship, you see happy singles... we're never satisfied. - Bob Marley
I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, "Hello?" As if the bad guy is gonna be like, "Yeah, I'm in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?"
^
The only reason this doesn't happen is because the bad guys are rarely women.
I'm Proud 2 say: I Don"t Smoke
I hate it when i see a fat chick drinking diet pepsi, then think they can eat anything, cause they saved like 200 calories.
When your in class and the teacher says "Ok, can I collect everyone's homework..."
So you look in your bag, even though you know that you didn't do it...
See this cup? It's got alcohol in it. Therefore anything I do or say beyond this point should not be taken seriously and I apologise in advanced for anything that may cause harm or offence.
I noticed people adding the 2 dates together, the twin towers attack, and the earthquake in Japan. 9/11/2001 + 3/10/2011 = 12/21/2012? No it doesn't, it equals 12/21/4012. People need to stop with their stupid math. 2001 + 2011 never equaled 2012. You can't add 9 and 3, get 12, add 10 and 11, get 21, and then add 2001 and 2011, and get 2012. The correct answer is 4012.
What a major idiot for trying to make people believe 2011 + 2001 = 2012.