Hey It's Summer!
Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Best ever game as a child: make sure the balloon does not touch the floor
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Girls want a lot of things from one guy... conversely...
guys want a one thing from a lot of girls...
Stupid Question: When people see you lying down with your eyes closed and they ask, "Are You Sleeping?"
Smart Answer: "No! I'm training to die..."
Checking your phone to see what time it is, and then checking it again because the first time you wasn't paying attention...
I don't get the saying, "You snooze you loose"
I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and I woke up feeling like a champion.
i CaNt BeLiVe YoU'Re ACtuAlLy ReADiNg tHiS... By tHe wAY im UsiNg CAps LOcK on RaNDoM LEtTErS jUSt to P*Ss yOU OfF!
four main reasons a girl
will stop texting back.
One - You said something that made her mad
Two - You just started to get boring
Three - She fell asleep
Four - You said the letter "K"
Squidward: Stop it Patrick, I'm claustrophobic.
Patrick: What does that mean?
Spongebob: It means he is scared of Santa Clause.
Patrick: HO HO HO!
Spongebob: Stop it Patrick, you are scaring him...
If we were in the wild, I would attack you. Even if you weren't in my food chain, I would go out of my way to attack you. If I was a Lion and you was a Tuna, I would swim out to the middle of the ocean and freakin' eat you! - Will Ferrell: The Other Guys
Having my birthday in January (:
Some guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so i gave him a cup of water...
So I was drinking Dr Pepper and Iooked at the side of the label and it said: CARBONATED FRUIT FLAVOUR SOFT DRINK. I was thinking WTF?!? Sence when the hell is pepper a fruit??
gf ; what would you do if i broke up with you .
bf ; i would go back to my ex .
gf ; ( crying ) im breakin up with you .
* many hours later .*
bf ; will you go out with me ?
gf ; i thought you were going to your ex .
bf ; you are my ex . (:
gf ; ♥
bf ; ♥
I STILL don't understand how Dick is short for Richard. =
That awkward moment when you are in class, and your teacher asks you to read out loud, and you don’t even know what page they’re on.
Don't you hate it when you're going through your news feed one last time before bed and you see a like page, so you click it.. then you spend the next two hours liking crap :p like if this has happened to you:)
I Hate When I Wake Up And Realise My Dream Wasn't Real.
Dude... I watch all the CSI's, Ncis, and Criminal Minds. I can make your death look like an accident
After a long night of sex, the guy rolled over, got a cig and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one,
"There might be some matches in the top drawer", she replied.
He opened the drawer and found a box of matches sitting on top of a pic of a man
*He began to worry*
"This your husband?" he asked,
"No silly," she replied,
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked,
"No not at all", she said nibbling away at his ear,
"Well who is he then?"
Calmly the girl replied "That's me before the operation..."
We are teenage girls.
When we go home...
Our straightened hair goes up into messy buns.
Our makeup has faded or smudged so we take it off.
The fake smile vanishes into how we really feel.
Our brand new shirt changes into our favorite old sweater.
Our skinny jeans are traded for sweat pants or pajamas.
And our Uggs are taken off to reveal our fuzzy socks.
When we go home...
You wouldn't recognize us.
Two hookers standing on a street corner started discussing business. One of the hookers said, ''Gonna be a good night, I smell c*ck in the air.'' The other hooker looked at her and said, ''Sorry No, I just burped.''
I think the most important thing in a relationship is trust. Because if you don't trust your girlfriend, how do know she's not going to tell your wife?
YES, Facebook, I already CHECKED that notification, now can you please get rid of that little red number?!?!
When I kill a spider in my bathroom, I never clean it up. I just leave it their so other spiders know not to f*ck with me...
I want to be the girl he's scared to lose; the one where he can't walk away from knowing she's mad at him, The one who can't fall asleep without her voice being the last one he hears. the one he can't live without
A blond and Husband are in bed, listening to their neighbours dog. It has been in their backyard barking for hours .
The blond jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blond finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"
The blond says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!