Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Mocking people in a voice they don't even have.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Too many people spend money they don't have on products they don't need to impress people they don't like...
Typing 'lol' when your face shows less expression than a brick.
J.K. Rowling, I was fine when you said that Harry's parents were dead. Fine, when you killed Sirius. Okay, when you killed Hedwig and Mad-Eye. A little mad when you killed Dumbledore. BUT YOU CROSSED THE LINE BY KILLING DOBBY!!!!!!!!!!
Mαths questions αre so stupid. They're like: "If I hαve 10 chocolαtes αnd I eαt 9, whαt do I hαve now?"Oh I don't know, Diαbetes mαybe?
What's the hardest past about getting a new computer?
Debating whether to start the p*rn = virus cycle again...
I love having a gay dad... Whenever any of my friends brag by saying "Ooh, my Dad would kill your Dad..."
I just turn around and say "Oh yeah? My Dad would sh*g your Dad!"
The look on thier face is priceless...
"Dude she just called you italian"
"Oh hell no, hold my ipod!"
"what does that have to do with being italian?"
"Absolutely nothing, why?"
"Nothing... I just thought since you were italian, you'd be holding a pizza or something..."
Be careful who you open up to. only a few people actually care, the rest are just curious.
The hunt for Bin Laden diden't begin 2001. Learn some history. It began 1997.
Also, it matters little. Al Quida won't stop because of that, according to one of them they will detonate a bomb they've hidden somewhere in the West when Bin Laden dies. Either he was lying, or we should evacuate Copenhagen.
when i get a notification saying my best mate has tagged me in a photo i always think too myself SH*T!!!!
"age is just a number." "yeah, so is 911 you paedophile."
Teacher: John, why are you so late ?
John: I was throwing stones into the river.
Teacher:Okaay, well take your seat.
Teacher:Bob, why are you also late ?
Bob: i was also throwing stones into the river.
Teacher: gr, well, sit down.
New Boy walks in ;
Teacher: oh so you're our new student. whats your name? and why are you all wet?
New boy: My name is Stones.
Teacher: oh..
LIKE IF YOU GET IT.
You two are dating ...again??? ...because it worked REALLY well the first 20 times. Idiots.
What if our dreams are just blurred memories of our previous lives...
Whenever I erase text messages, I feel like I'm deleting evidence
The awkward moment when you continually have poke wars with someone, but you never actually talk to them in person or facebook.
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
I'M SUCH A BAD ASS..... i installed a program. it asked if I had read and agreed to the terms and conditions.
i hadn't, but i clicked 'yes' anyway.
Getting in to bed,
Favourite pillow *Check*
One leg out of covers *Check*
Phone? *Feels Around*
Kick cover to try and find phone *Phone flies in to the wall and the battery falls out...*
"F*cking" is a f*cking word that can f*cking be put anyf*ckingwhere in a f*cking sentence and it f*cking still makes f*cking sense.
Scientist are trying to to adapt viagra so it can work on women. I think it's a waste of time personally, it already exsists...
It's called money...
What is a word made up of 4 letters yet is also made up of 3, Although is written with 8 letters, and then with 4. Rarely consists of 6, and never is written with 5.
Two blondes fall down a pit.
First Blonde: "It's dark in here isn't it..."
Second Blonde: "I don't know, I can't see..."
People can become vampires in 3 easy steps:
1) Spill glue on the floor
2) Throw a bunch of glitter on top (glitter/SPARKLES - its your choice)
3) Roll around in it
Like, if you get it ;)
BESTFRIENDS:
they act like your...
- therapist
- worst enemy
- your lesbian lover
- your best friend
- your mom
- your sibling
- like their freakin God or something
- but most importantly
the person you love the most!