Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Edward: "I could kill you in seconds. So shutup."
Jacob: "What are you gonna do exactly? Sparkle me to death?!"
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
I don't care how old you are, if a balloon is falling and is about to hit the floor, you make sure you dive for that sh*t!
Me, sarcastic? Never..
Anyone noticed that "studying" is like "student" and "dying" put together?
I want to lick you, s*ck you, move my tounge all around you.....
but this damn wrapper wont come off the lollipop ;P
Guy:God, how long is a million years to you?
God:A minute.
Guy:How much is a million dollars to you?
God:A penny.
Guy:Can I have a penny?
God:In a minute.
LIKE IF YOU GET IT :)
You don't realise how blessed you were until you are truly down and out........
.......Only then can you see how good you had it before...
'hello!' *no reply* ohh yeah i forgot i only excist when you want me too.
If cheryl cole gets cheated on, then we've got no hope.
Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."
I'm sorry but I just cannot tolerate people who blame rape victims for what the rapist did. I dont give a **** how much she does not cover her body, YOU SHOULD BLAME THE RETARD WHO RAPED HER. If this happens to your sister, you would not want somebody to say 'She deserves it, she wears like a slut'...
Girls don't dress up to impress guys. Girls dress up to out dress other girls. If they wanted to impress guys, they would just walk around naked....
The difference between School & Life? In School, you're taught a lesson & then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson ♥
Me: whatcha doing
Friend: YA MOM!
Me: Well guess what, JOKES ON YOU! my mom has aids!
Lazy Rule #69:
Be on the bottom and let her do all the work..
life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind
A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife, "What's the problem?" She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ej*culation." The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?" The husband replies, "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me."
If abortion is classed as murder, then bl*wjobs should be classed as cannibalism and m*sturbation should be classed as mass genocide.
Life is like a bowl of soup...
********************************
You only get blown if you're hot...
Secretly every teen looks at little kids on a trampoline, jungle gym, or bounce house, and thinks,"You lucky little b*stard, I would kill to be on that and not look like a f*cking retard."
A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor I'm hurting all over my body." "That's odd", replied the doctor, "Show me what you mean" So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on. The doctor says, "You're not a natural brunette are you?" "No I'm a blonde", she replies. "I thought so.. your finger is broken.", replies the doctor.
You close the door and get in the shower. Then every 5 seconds you look out the curtain and make sure no serial killers are there to kill you.
i CaNt BeLiVe YoU'Re ACtuAlLy ReADiNg tHiS... By tHe wAY im UsiNg CAps LOcK on RaNDoM LEtTErS jUSt to P*Ss yOU OfF!
I really hope Kate Middleton's face get's put on Coins and Notes of money, then I can finally start an official W*nk Bank.
*Have a mate over your house*
"oi want a drink?"
"nahh im okay"
"do you want a drink.."
"nah don't worry i'm fine"
"do you want a drink!"
"yeah okay then"
"get it yourself."
I hate boys who think they can get any girl.