Making crazy scenarios in your head that will most likely not happen
Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Best ever game as a child: make sure the balloon does not touch the floor
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Someone told me i am immature and need to grow up. Guess who's not allowed in my treehouse now
*texting in class*
Teacher: OI YOU! ARE YOU TEXTING IN CLASS AGAIN?!
Student: no..I just randomly look down at my d*ck and start smiling.
I hate boys who think they can get any girl.
i remember when the best joke in school was this..
Person 1: supercalafragalisticexpealadocious how do you spell 'it'
Person 2: I dont know.
Person 1: i.t. duhh
Girl: I'm going to kill you.
Boy: Why?
Girl: You've invaded my privacy.
Boy: How so?
Girl: You're in my thoughts, my dreams, my hopes, even my diary. You tiptoe into my mind all the time.
Boy: So, you kind of love me, huh?
I turned out liking you, A lot more than I originally planned
You're 13. You were dumped. Your life isn't over -_-
If I could be any part of you, I would be your tears.
To be conceived in your heart,
Born in your eyes,
Live on your cheeks,
And die on your lips.
"I'm on my way" LOL jk, I'm still doing my hair
A blonde walks to her mailbox-- no mail.
Comes out again-- no mail.
Neighbor says-- What's wrong.
Blonde-- My stupid computer keeps saying, "You've got mail!"
Men are the best cooks
***************************
because with two eggs, one sausage and a little bit of milk, we can fill a woman's stomach for nine months.
Wife: Truth or Dare?
Husband: Urm... Truth...
Wife: Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband: OK, I choose dare...
Kid: Mum, can i wear a mini-skirt today?
Mum: No
Kid: Can i wear lipstick?
Mum: No
Kid: Can i wear high heels?
Mum: No!
Kid: But Mum im 17 years old!
Mum: I know Justin, i know
using your phone in the dark as a torch
Like if you have ever done one of these things...
1. Gone up a down escalator
2. Tried to make a fish follow your finger
3. Gone in the fridge for no reason
4. Stared at someone to see if they would realise
5. Pretended to drive when in the passengers seat
6. Played air guitar madly
7. (Boys only) Become addicted to COD
8. Watched water droplets fall down a window to see who would win
9. Picked everything off a pizzzza
10. Laughed at a random memory
There's nothing more attractive than a guy, who doesn't know he's attractive...
Losing your parents in the shop... 4-7 years old: Mum, MUUUM! OMG! MUM! 8-11 years old: Mum... 12+ years old: Well this is going on Facebook. ;)
Making crazy scenarios in your head that will most likely not happen
When I get a text from you, I immediately stop whatever im doing to read it
My Little Sister Told Me A Story Of What Happened In Her School The Other Day.
Her teacher asked a boy named Billy, "Look, the equation is simple. I have 5 bottles in one hand, and 6 bottles in the other. What do i have?
The boy answered,
A Drinking problem?
cop:"please step out of the car and walk on this strait line for me."....you:(falls over)cop:"you're so drunk you can't even walk." you:"i know why do you think I'm driving."
The awkward moment when I'm drunk and you're still ugly...
The only thing i can think of is .............. SEX !!!!!!
'you asleep?' .. ''yes''
Women might be able to fake org*sms. But men can fake a whole relationship.