Durex Have created new glow in the dark condoms.....
Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Edward: "I could kill you in seconds. So shutup."
Jacob: "What are you gonna do exactly? Sparkle me to death?!"
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Celebrity Juice Lines
She is bang tidy im gonna smash her back doors in.
If you were a computer i would RAM you.
Now its time for the first round its lemon head you will see a graphic of my head with different secter on it and if your americain thats sectooors.
Telling your Facebook friend that they are beautiful and they'll say "no way you are much more beautiful than me" and then you say "no way your more beautiful than me" but your really thinking... Yes ok I am.
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have s*x when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for s*x." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
A wife walks into her bedroom naked. Her husband asks "What on Earth are you wearing?"
She replies: "My birthday suit..."
He replies: "Well go and iron it!"
You can tell a lot about a person by what car they drive.
For example, if it's in a ditch, it's a woman....
Looking at a mirror at a party and thinking "Yeah, I'm drunk"
Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
***********************************************************************
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.
When I kill a spider in my bathroom, I never clean it up. I just leave it their so other spiders know not to f*ck with me...
****On Facebook****
Oh look it's someone's birthday, Let me wish them Happy Birthday....Wait, wait, wait, they never wished me on my birthday or anything....
t(- -)t F*ck 'Em
My wife felt smug the other day after she told me that my p*nis resembles a tic-tac. I soon wiped the smile off of her face when I asked, "If that's the case, then why does your sister still have bad breath?"
without my cell phone i wouldn't:
1. know what time it is
2. be able to solve a math equation
3. know a single phone number
4. know the date
5. be able to text my friend when i'm at their house
6. take a snap shot at a picture perfect time
7. be able to wake up from an alarm in the morning
8. find my way in the dark
basically, i wouldn't be able to live.
The only thing woman clean out is a mans bank account.
whereas the only thing men clean out is their internet history.
AWWWWW F*CK RUN!! COPS COPS COPS COPS ARE COMING FUCKING RUN F*CK!!!!........... oh wait its just a taxi =]
I hate it when you're sitting in the cinema ready to watch the movie and the next thing you know BOOM. human giraffe sits in front of you.
The world isn't going to end in 2012..... but if it does, I'd like to see you prove me wrong, when we're dead.
That awkward moment when you was thinking about something great exciting and then you forget it in the next two seconds like WTF was i thinking about
Hey b*tch, you might wanna move away from the radiator, plastic melts when it gets too hot ;)
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right bre*st hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your bre*st is hanging out." She looks down and says, "OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!"
If a girl takes her makeup off around you, has her hair a mess around you, even when she's in the worst state, she loves you.
When I text someone and someone is looking at my phone, I always like to type "...and some retard keeps reading our plans, shall I take them out?"...
"I'm on my way" LOL jk, I'm still doing my hair
I hate when I hear a song I really like, but I don't know the name of it -_______-
Middle School: "Shut up, it was a dare" High School: "Shut up, I was drunk"
Teacher; Where's your homework?
Student; Written in the stars..
Teacher; Where's that?
Student; A million miles away..
Teacher; What's it about?
Student; A message to the mainn, ooohhh..
Teacher; What are you talking about?
Student; Seasons come and go, but I will never change..
Teacher; TO THE HEAD'S OFFICE, NOW.
Student; I'm on my waaaaaaaayyyy..
You think waiting for a baby is long? Try restarting a blackberry!