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Wife: Truth or Dare?
Husband: Urm... Truth...
Wife: Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband: OK, I choose dare...
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Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Don't ya just hate it when you put on your warmest pyjamas, your fuzzy socks, and curl up in bed under the blankets just the find that you forgot to turn off the light.
When someone says "No Offence", what they really mean is "Im about to offend you, don't get mad..."
Read each sentence:This is this cat. This is is cat.This is how cat. This is to cat. This is keep cat. This is a cat. This is retard cat. This is busy cat. This is for cat. This is 40 cat. This is seconds cat. Now read every third word in each sentence :)
How cool would it be if each country had facebook?
Japan wrote on Chinas' wall....
America poked Afganistan...
England has 0 friends.....'
A man woke up in hospital after a serious accident he shouted "doctor! doctor! I can't feel my legs'' the doctor replied "I know, I just cut off your arms"!!
There was 3 ladies on an island 1 blonde 1 brunette and a red-head. The city where they wanted to be was 20 miles away with sea between the the island and the city. The red-head swam 4 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the brunette sawm 10 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the blonde swam 19 miles, got tired, and swam back!!
* 1:00 a.m. * Get up, walk calmly to the bathroom, pee, look in the mirror quickly to make sure there's no masked killer behind you, turn off the lights, run as fast as you can from the bathroom back into your bedroom and jump 2 feet in the air and land on the bed, pull the covers up to your chin and glance around the room to make sure you didn't leave any more killers behind you on your expedition back, relax and nuzzle back into your pillow. * 17 seconds later you hear a noise * jump up quickly and realize its the air conditioning coming on and think " man! those ninja's just wont give up tonight.. "
Don't you hate getting into a fight in a dream? You try to punch the person as hard as you can but it's not hurting them..
i dont care if your hair isnt straight,
i dont care if you bite your nails,
i dont care if your teeth are wonky,
i dont care if your not as skinny as another girl,
i dont care if eyelashes arent long enough,
all i want is a good sandwich.
Am i the only one that feels like a bad a$$ when I walk outside after watching an action film at the cinema's and I pretend like I was one of the main characters in that film?
The moment when your cat yawns and then it looks all confused afterwards because you just HAD to stick your finger in it's mouth while it yawned...
I don't know what's up with my girlfriend. This morning she said she is leaving me because she thinks I am obsessed with Call Of Duty. Don't worry though, she won't get very far, I put a claymore by the door.
I will only stop loving you when a mute guy tells a deaf guy that a blind guy saw a legless guy walk on water.
I hate it when i sleep at someones house and wake up AGES before them.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
Don't worry babe, I will tell you when... Not really b*tch you're swallowing!
When you are texting in class and the door opens and you have that little heart attack hoping that it is not a teacher or principle.
I stole my friends phone the other day and switched his girlfriends and mothers numbers over. I thought it was a great idea, especially when he sent a picture of his Weiner to his mother...
DA SADST STRY EVUR!!!
girl: do u luv mi??? iv u dnt i gun dy
Boy: I can't understand you, what are you trying to say?.
girl: omg y yuu nar luv mi?!?! mi bcum ded
Boy: I don't even...
girl: :(( (dyez)
Boy: ...The f*ck?
You remind me of a penny, because you're two faced and worthless :)
Don't you just hate it when there's a van load of men with guns on their way to your house and the only weapon in the house to protect yourself is a screwdriver
Who else has that annoying friend on Facebook who spams their wall?
Ladys, Below are reasons why cookie dough is better than ANY p*nis:
It's enjoyable, soft or hard.
Its makes a mess too, but it tastes a lot better.
When ever it's in your mouth, you always want to swallow.
You can enjoy it more than once.
It comes already wrapped in a protective wrapping.
You dont have to keep going until you've finished it off.
You dont have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.
You can have more than one and you will not be called a s!ut.
They come in all sizes.
I Think i May Have A "Become a Fan" Problem
Liverpool: Hi lads how much for Carroll?
Newcastle: 35 million, lol j.....
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