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Wife: Truth or Dare?
Husband: Urm... Truth...
Wife: Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband: OK, I choose dare...
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Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
I hope one day you choke on the shit that you talk.
I really feel sorry for that person who writes the terms and conditions...
Whenever Ash from Pokemon turns his hat backwards, that's when you know sh*t is about to get serious...
Hey, I'm a guy. I'm single. I would never cheat on you. I would always text you first, tell you that you're beautiful every day, say I love you in front of my friends, never choose my video games over you, protect you, try my best to never make you cry, hold you and never let you go, kiss you in the pouring rain. Yes, ladies, I do exist. No, I'm not gay. Stop dating douche-bags and jerks. Date me
We may not be friends anymore, but i wont forget the memories.
The awkward moment when you are watching a film with your girlfriend and she puts her head in you lap...
"Stand Down Soldier! Stand. Down!"
Dear McDonald's Cashier,
Don't give me that look... Last time I checked, there was no age limit on Happy Meals.
Sincerely, Don't forget the toy.
YES, Facebook, I already CHECKED that notification, now can you please get rid of that little red number?!?!
Can you believe that I spent 15 minutes last night looking for my phone in my car while using my phone as a torch. Yeah, I was THAT high...
The 'I need a hug' mood.
Two deaf people get married. during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights as they cannot see each other's hand signs. after several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "honey," she signs, "why don't we agree on some simple signals? for instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. if you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." the husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "great idea! now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time." "and if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"
*********** Do you take the challenge? **********
I bet you can't drive home from the drive-thru without eating a single fry.....
Women! They just don't have a sense of humour. My friend's wife didn't find it as funny as I did when I replaced her tampons with party poppers...
A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean.." she whispers, "..I would do ANYTHING!!"
He returns her gaze. "Anything??"
"Yes,.. Anything!" She says.
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you.. study??"
After watching the film Matilda as a child, I wasted the following year of my life reading as many books as I can and trying to move objects with my mind... Never could get it to work...
The awkward moment when you can't read your own handwriting... and you're like "WTF did I just write?!....
What i think when someone uses the computer: - what the hell are you doing? - why would you use internet explorer? - oh my god! you type sooo slow, let me type. - no you spelled it wrong... - caps lock is on, moron - why would you click on the zwinky ad ... ohmygod - scroll down - i wish i was dead - hurry up - you don't need to double click on that, dumbass ... - get the f**k out of your chair and let me do it !!!
Spongebob: "What do you usually do when I'm gone?" Patrick: "Wait for you to come back."
hearing a noise when your home alone and just accepting the fact that its time to kick some ass ;)
If a girl replies 'k', you did something to p*ss her off.
Mum: How did the tournament go?
Child: Great, we came 4th
Mum: That's excellent sweetie... out of how many?
Child:... um, 4
When you hear yourself singing in the shower and wonder..... Why the f*ck havent I made an album yet.
Home alone + Unknown noises?= Ninja Mode.
When everything in your life goes wrong, there's always that one person to put a smile on your face
No matter how old you are, no matter how much of a bada$$ you think you are, if a toddler hands you thier ringing toy phone, you answer it....
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