Why do men fart more then women?
Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Mocking people in a voice they don't even have.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
You think waiting for a baby is long? Try restarting a blackberry!
Trying to finish a dream by going back to sleep.
I hate it when i see a fat chick drinking diet pepsi, then think they can eat anything, cause they saved like 200 calories.
I always look at your page.....because I miss you :'(
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?
The embarrassment when you walk out of the house and have to go back in to change, because you realise that you're just too sexy for your shirt :/
Five Important Qualities
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
The moment you walk into a spiders web, you automatically turn in to a karate chopping ninja!
You wonder why I never told you how I feel about you. The truth is I was scared. I have let my gaurd down with so many people in the past and ended up hurt. AND I'M TIRED OF LIVING LIFE THAT WAY! NO MORE GOING THROUGH HELL FOR ANY GUY!
-Friday-
Teacher: "Okay students, remember, that report is due Monday first thing!"
You *when you get home*: "Psh, nobody does homework on a Friday. I'll start it tomorrow."
-Saturday-
"Haha, what WAS I thinking?! Who does homework on a SATURDAY? ..the f*ck I look like..."
-Sunday-
*10:30AM* "Hmm.. It's too early. I'll do it later.
*3:00PM* "It can wait. I have time."
*11:43PM* (on facebook) "..........................................OH SH*T!"
Them: Awww! You have gotten so big since the last time I saw you. I remember when you were just a little kid.
Me: *Smiles*
Me In head: Who the f*ck are you?
Periods late..
//..Haven't had sex..\
................................
i must be carrying the next baby Jesus.
Taking your phone out of your pocket a second before you get a text and feeling like God.
There are 3 things that should never be broken;
1. A heart
2. A promise
3. A condom
Ghetto Word of the Day: Innuendo
"He's climbing innuendo, he's snatching yo people up, so you better hide ya kids, hide ya wife..."
Now, I'm no Gynecologist, but I know a C*nt when I see one
Someday your prince charming will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
Life is like a Roller-coaster, it has it's ups and downs, but remember the downs don't last as long as the ups.
Why is m*sturbation better than intercourse for some?
1. You know who you're dealing with.
2. You know when you've had enough.
3. You don't have to be polite afterward.
monday- KILL ME NOW!
tuesday- hurry up friday!
wednesday- only two more days
thursday-Almost There!!
friday-YAY! stayin up tonight!
saturday- sleep all day
sunday- make the most out of the day because tomorrow is monday -_-
hearing a noise when your home alone and just accepting the fact that its time to kick some ass ;)
Hey, I swear that somewhere in the dark corners of my room, there is a secret tribe of single socks hiding and laughing their asses off at me...
Never text and walk. Trust me, the lampost is closer than you think.
A guy broke into my appartment last week.. He didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.. Sick bastard..