Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Damn! LOL - Your #1 source for daily funny pics!
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Ghetto Word Of The Day: Random
I saw my girlfriend of three years kissing another man the other day. So i got in my car and random both over.
A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.
Me: Man! I had soo much fun last night!
Friend: Kid, you were pissed most of the night, what can you remember?
Me: I wasn't that drunk?
Friend: Dude, you spent most the night in the kitchen...
Me: And?
Friend: Dude, you made your girlfriend a sandwich...
Me: -_-
I do what I want, where I want, when I want, with who I want, for as long as I want, where ever I want.......
But as long as my mommy says it's OK first...
Shiiiiit, look who's online...LOG OUT LOG OUT LOG OUT..."Hey whats up?"...damn.
LIKE THIS IF YOU TRY TO BALANCE THE LIGHT SWITCH!:P
Who's that sexy beast.............Oh, I clicked on my own profile again!!
If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, just keep me in your heart. Because I will stay there forever - Winnie the Pooh, You soppy B*stard...
Boy: imma go to sleep.
Girl: ok
Boy: i love you
Girl: i love you too bye
*hangs up*
...Girl sends text to boy saying "i dont want you to go"
Girl's phone rings
Girl: hello?
Boy: i decided you were more important than sleep :)
I'm not ignoring you, I'm waiting to see if you'll make the effort... for once!
Doing something embarrassing then looking about to see if anyone seen.. :P
Life would be perfect if: Some girls had mute buttons, some guys had edit buttons, hard times had fast forward buttons, and good times had pause buttons :)
How many bears could Bear Grylls grill if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Teacher: is this made by humans or nature?
me: it's man-made.
teacher: no! never say 'man-made!" women make things too...
me: like, sandwiches?
A blonde was withdrawing money from the ATM machine.
The blonde behind her: HAHA I saw your pin number, it's four stars!
First blonde (the one withdrawing the money): HAHA you're wrong, it's 1566!
Listen!
It's my house so I'm player 1....
Periods late..
//..Haven't had sex..\
................................
i must be carrying the next baby Jesus.
That moment of joy when you see your food coming in a restaurant
30% of women killed are murdered by their boyfriend or husbands.
^30% of women should have shut the f*ck up.
After watching the film Matilda as a child, I wasted the following year of my life reading as many books as I can and trying to move objects with my mind... Never could get it to work...
Hey, I'm a guy. I'm single. I would never cheat on you. I would always text you first, tell you that you're beautiful every day, say I love you in front of my friends, never choose my video games over you, protect you, try my best to never make you cry, hold you and never let you go, kiss you in the pouring rain. Yes, ladies, I do exist. No, I'm not gay. Stop dating douche-bags and jerks. Date me
The awkward moment when you are watching a film with your girlfriend and she puts her head in you lap...
"Stand Down Soldier! Stand. Down!"
My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday. As she was leaving, she yelled "You need to grow up!". I don't know what has gotten into her. It's probably because i didn't give her the password to my secret fort.
"Dude she just called you italian"
"Oh hell no, hold my ipod!"
"what does that have to do with being italian?"
"Absolutely nothing, why?"
"Nothing... I just thought since you were italian, you'd be holding a pizza or something..."
I smoke a couple hundred a day,
I waste all my pocket money on 'em,
They're fucking addictive,
I will never quit because...
I LOVE SPIDER-MAN CANDY STICKS!