Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Edward: "I could kill you in seconds. So shutup."
Jacob: "What are you gonna do exactly? Sparkle me to death?!"
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
The truth is, I'm not mad at you. I just hate the fact that every time your name lights up on my phone, I fall for you a little bit harder. And every time my name lights up on your phone.. well, I'm just another girl you talk to.
Have you ever wonered why McDonalds don't do hotdogs?
Well would you really want a McWeiner in your mouth?
As we grow up, we don't lose friends, we just learn who the real ones are
*Your about to get arrested*
Cop: Your in a lot of trouble!
You: wait. wait! WAIT.
Cop: WHAT!?
You: Can I update my status to "chilling in jail?"
Checking your MySpace these days is like checking your underwear after a fart. There is most likely nothing new and it there and if there is it is probably sh*t.
Girls don't dress up to impress guys. Girls dress up to out dress other girls. If they wanted to impress guys, they would just walk around naked....
Someday your prince charming will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
WILL YOU JUST LISTEN TO MY PART OF THE STORY AND NOT TWIST MY WORDS !!
God gave us two ears to hear. God gave us two eyes to see. God gave us two hands to hold.
But why did God only give us 1 heart?
Because he want's us to find the other one.
Want to make money using Facebook?
*********************************************
Go to Account > Account Settings> Deactivate Account.... And get back to work!
I ♥ THE WEEKEND
I love my duvet!
A good friend will comfort you when he rejects you. A best friend will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"
WAS IT A CAR OR A CAT I SAW.. 'WASITACARORACATISAW'.. This is the only English sentence which even if we read in reverse, it'll give the same
I don't want to sound like a bad a$$ or anything but... I go swimming straight after I eat, f*ck waiting an hour.
I love how all theses likes either have to do with being single, or guys being jerks, or the most amazing things a guy can say to you....all i wanna say is.....PURPLE COWS!!
Heard Your Dating My Ex. How Do I Taste ?
Stupid Law #65: Did you know that America is the only country in the world where not wearing your seatbelt carries a greater penalty then murdering your children...
That feeling of utter pure realised when you've been dieing for a piss for the past 4 hours and you pee yourself, Who else is with me? Anyone?.... FML!
You need anger management classes...
Yeah well you need shut the f*ck up classes...
*********** I used to do this **************
Pretending to think hard when the teacher is looking at you...
Roses are red and ready for plucking
She's sixteen and ready for...
High school. How did you THINK it would end? ;)
That moment when you have to pee in the middle of the night and you avoid all eye contact with yourself becuase, you think your going jump out the mirror and attack you.
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are talking about s*x.
The Italian says, "When i have a finished making love ah to my woman, she levitates six inches fromma de bed."
The Frenchman says, "Mon ami! After 6 hours of the continuous love making to my girl, she levitates 3 feet off the bed!"
The Australian says: "Streuth mate, when I've finished 'rooting' me Sheila, I get off the bed, wipe me c*ck on the curtains...and she goes through the fucking roof!!"
People say you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just never thought you’d lose it.