Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Best ever game as a child: make sure the balloon does not touch the floor
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
i might bully you, but you know i love you;)
A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me, my pretty face or
my sexy body?..
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: your
sense of humor.
Taking a shower at someones house and getting completly undressed
then being like
"how the hell do you turn this thing on?"
That awkward moment when you go into your closet looking for Narnia and you find the door to Monsters Inc instead...
Success is like being pregnant....
**************************************
Everyone congratulates you, but nobody know how many times you were f*cked before you got there.
I hate when people ask me "What on earth were you thinking!?"
Obviously I was thinking that I would get away with it and not have to f*cking explain it...
Today, my girlfriend finally got a Facebook account. Too bad she doesn't know the difference between a wall post and a message. She just described how much she enjoyed our sex last night, in great detail. My mom liked it.
I really miss the way things use to be before I grew up...
Making crazy scenarios in your head that will most likely not happen
**** Definition of Bravery ****
Trying to fart even though you know you have diarrhea....
Don't poke people on facebook.
Poking leads to commenting.Commenting leads to talking on chat. Talking on chat leads to inboxing. Inboxing leads to meeting up. Meeting up leads to going out. Going out leads to s*x. S*x leads to babys.
So unless you want to have babys, don't poke people.
Dear Parents,
I stay up late, fall out with friends, have a messy room, literally LIVE on my lap-top, I'm lazy, and I'm ALWAYS texting. Though mum, dad, I'm NOT the only teenager that acts like that. I am just a TYPICAL teenager. So don't think your doing anything wrong, because your not. To be honest, if I WASN'T doing any of these, things, THEN you should be worried.
Sincerely,
Teenagers everywhere.
It's not that I hate you... it's just, put it this way. if you were on fire and I had water, i'd drink it.
Who else rubs their shoe against the long brush on the escalator, thinking that it'll clean it?
"Girl is over her boyfriend house"
Boy:(Playing Xbox)
Girl:(sitting on the boys bed sad)
Boy:Whats wrong babe?
Girl:Oh nothin
Boy:(Turns off Xbox)
Girl:Why did you stop playing?
Boy:Cause my baby girl is more important than my xbox
Girl:Awh(smiles)
Boy:( Turns on Playstation3 )
A Chicken crossed the road and met James Bond. The chicken said : .. What's your name ? .." Bond, James Bond. What's your's ? ,, Ken, Chick Ken "
It is better to spend ten minutes In this world and be late then speed and spend five minutes In the next world
I wonder what would happen if I hire two private investigators to follow each other...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
What shall I wear, no, no, no, nope, no, no, urm I wore that yesterday... Oh well nobody saw me yesterday so I'll just wear it again today...
I don't care how old you are, if a balloon is falling and is about to hit the floor, you make sure you dive for that sh*t!
Saying 'lol' more than once in a sentence
Monthly wage Soldier £1150 / Footballer £298766 make them swap
I'm a girl.
I don't smoke.
I don't drink.
I don't party every weekend.
I don't wear three inches of makeup.
I don't put sultry pictures of my bra showing online.
I don't make out with loads of guys, or other girls, to get attention.
I'm a girl, and I'm me.
And I'm not going to change for anyone.
Dear Microsoft Word,
could you stop telling me I made a spelling error...
I think I would know how to spell my own name
Sincerely,
People who's names are supposedly "wrong"