Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Edward: "I could kill you in seconds. So shutup."
Jacob: "What are you gonna do exactly? Sparkle me to death?!"
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
I Hate Getting Texts That Only Say "k"
Go and get your own boyfriend and stop Stalking MINE !!!!
SEX, DRUGS & ROCK N ROLL are all very well , but nothing beats a nice cup of tea..
Girl at 5 years of age: Daddy, can i go to Maddy's party? (:
dad: sure, sweety.
Girl at 13 years of age: Dad, can i go to the park with some friends?
Dad: okay, but stay off the road, you hear me?
Girl at 16 years of age: dad, can i please go to the movies with my boyfriend.
Dad: I think i should come.
Girl: .... -.-
Who else rubs their shoe against the long brush on the escalator, thinking that it'll clean it?
Trying to finish a dream by going back to sleep.
When I say LOL, what I really mean is I made a really loud outward breath through my nostrils much like a bull does...
When I say LMAO, what I actually mean is I made a little sound while laughing a little.
When I say LMFAO, what I actually mean is I sat there in my chair laughing out loud...
That embarrassing moment when you haven't been on Facebook for a while,and only have one (1) notification.......and it's a game request.........from a person you don't even know!?
Like if this has ever happened to you O.o
If a girl leans towards you, kiss her.
If a girls hand is free, hold it.
If your girl logs off, tell her you love her.
And if shes upset, hug her till she's okay.
Men have two emotions, hungry and h*rny. If he doesn't have an erecti*n, go make him a sandwich...
Does anyone else do this during class:
1. peel your nail polish off
2. search your hair for split ends
3. check the clock every 5 seconds
4. draw hearts on your paper
5. draw smiley faces on your hand
6. secretly eat because your starving
I hope I'm not the only one
Women are a bit like parking spaces. Normally all the best ones are taken so every now and again, when no one is looking, you have to stick it in any old space.
"Low Battery, Please Connect Charger"
B*tch you're a smart phone, connect yourself!
"Clean your room, family are coming over." "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise the gathering would be held in my bedroom."
3 girls step on a magic rug that makes u dissapear if u tell a lie.
Brunette: I think I'm the prettiest girl in school.
*poof*
Red-head: I think I'm the most popular girl in school.
*poof*
Blonde: I think-.
*poof*
A good friend would go to the drug store to buy you a pregnancy test but a best friend would stand outside the bathroom door yelling, "NAME IT AFTER ME!"
Christmas just didn't feel like Christmas this year :(
**** This is me all over ******
Music on shuffle, next, next, next, er no, next, nope, next, next, blah, next, next, YES!
Next time someone says to me "Hey man, whats up?" I'm gonna say "Oh not much, just chillin out, maxin, relaxing all cool and all shootin some B-ball outside of the school."
I can't believe Google is cocky enough to start guessing after one letter, One Letter!
Boy:"why do you striaghten your hair?" Girl:"becuase it makes my hair longer" Boy:"really?" *30 min later* Docter:"so tell me why you burnt your dick with a straightener?" Boy:...
LOVE is not measured by sweet words... nor by generous gifts... nor by corageous acts... it's measured by the willingness to continue after you already came twice!!!
Wife: Truth or Dare?
Husband: Urm... Truth...
Wife: Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband: OK, I choose dare...
Dear Little line of dirt that wont go in the dust pan...
************F*CK YOU!************
What did Barrack say to Michelle when he proposed?
"I don't wanna be Obama self..."