What's the difference between your wife and your job?
Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Mocking people in a voice they don't even have.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Today I’m giving you something very special, my heart ..... please be careful how you handle it , not because it’s mine , but because Your inside it
If you love somebody, set them free. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.
When I see a typo I look at the keyboard to see if the two keys were close
"How was the test?" "I failed..."
ENEMY - HAHAHAHA! Serves you right!
FRIEND - Okay...
GOOD FRIEND - Aww cheer up. You'll do better next time.
BEST FRIEND - HAHAHAHA! I FAILED TOO! HIGH-FIVE!
Best friends are awesome!
Suffering the hot side of the pillow while the cold side charges...
That awkward moment;
When you're in the car, and you look at the people in the
car next to you, and they're already looking at you.
Summer in England is kind of like the ultimate one-night stand:
**********************************************************************
hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
Did you know that girls are like cond*ms?
....................They spend more time in your wallet than on your d*ck...
Don’t ya just hate it when you put on your warmest pyjamas, your fuzzy socks, and curl up in bed under the blankets just the find that you forgot to turn off the light.
When i'm the last person to go to bed and I have to turn my bedroom light off, I clear the path from the light switch to my bed, get my phone ready as a torch, and then switch the light off and sprint to my bed just in case a monster tries to get me...
Grammar is important! Capital letters are the difference betwen helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
[1]I need to tell you a secret, look at 5
[2]The answer is, look at 11
[3]Don't get mad,look at 15
[4]Calm down,don't get mad, look at 13
[5]First look at 2
[6]Don't be that angry, look at 12
[7]I just wanted to say Hi
[8]What I wanted to tell you is...THE ANSWER IS ON 14
[9]Be patient look at 4
[10]This is the last time I'm gonna do this,look at 7
[11]I hope you're not mad when I say this,look at 6
[12]Sorry look at 8
[13]Don't get mad, look at 10
[14]I don't know how to say this,but look at 3
[15]You must be really mad,look at 9
You hate me?! Wow, I didn't even know you existed...
What’s the point of getting suspended?
How on earth is that considered the right thing to do?
Teachers must not realise that bad children DON’T LIKE SCHOOL so why give them suspension that’s just adding another good thing to there list.
Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one...
--Bruce Lee
Making weird noises when you stretch.
Admit it, at some point in your life, you've tried to close the fridge as slow as you can just so you can when the light goes out....
A 20 year old girl had an accident and is now blind. Her boyfriend still loves her as she is and he don't care that she is blind. She always told him about how she was so fed up of her life and that she was going to kill herself. 2 days later he told her "I found a way". They found an eye donor. She did the operation and was successful. When she came to she could see her BF was also blind. She left him and the next day she recieved a letter "I will always love you. Take care of my eyes baby"
During the summer, I like to go to the beach and make sand castles out of cement. Then I sit back and wait for all the little kids to try and kick them over....
In order to succeed, your desire for success has to be greater than your fear of failure - Bill Cosby
My Wife said to me angrily "I'm fed up with you. You never do anything to help around the house, you havent got a job. You are so lazy, pack your bags and leave now!"
So i replied: You pack them for me, I cant be bothered...
There are the normal boobs ( . )( . ), the silicone boobs ( + )( + ), the perfect boobs (o)(o). Some boobs are cold (^)(^), and some boobs belong to grandmothers ././ And let’s not forget the very large boobs (o Y o), and the very small boobs (.)(.), and lastly the asymmetrical boobs (•)(.) We love them all!
I love how all theses likes either have to do with being single, or guys being jerks, or the most amazing things a guy can say to you....all i wanna say is.....PURPLE COWS!!
The real danger of chewing gum in school isn't being caught by your teacher. It's being caught by all the people in your class who suddenly become your friends.
After sending a risky text, one minute seems like an eternity