Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Shouting 'POTATO!' every so often
Roses are Red, Nuts are brown, Skirts go Up, Pants go Down, Body to Body, Skin to Skin, When it is Stiff, Stick it In, The Longer its In, The stronger it Gets, It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet, It comes out dripping,and it starts to Sag, Its not what you Think ...its a Teabag xD
I didn't fall.....I attacked the floor.
Solving a maze backwards because you think it's quicker...
Why is m*sturbation better than intercourse for some?
1. You know who you're dealing with.
2. You know when you've had enough.
3. You don't have to be polite afterward.
Fire bell gose of in school.
Year 7: OMG WE ARE GONNA DIE
Year 8: I cant leave my bag behind!
Year 9: Is it a real fire?! XD
Year 10: meh.. proberlly a drill
Year 11: I started it :D
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for s*x. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what s*x was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"
"Tarzan check for bees!"
Boy goes to a strip club; his mom gets angry and asks him: "did u see anything there that u were not supposed to see?"
Boy; ''yes... i saw Dad..."
Just Seeing Your Name On Facebook Pisses Me Off.
I believe that “Stalking” is such a strong word.
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I like to look at it as “intense research on an individual”
Bring Back BNBN's!!!
That awkward moment when your secretly watching your dog take a poop and then suddenly you make eye contact and he looks at you like "Bro, are you serious..."
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
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After 5 years, your job will still suck...
He broke her heart, so she broke his xbox. Who do you think cried harder?
Friend: Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah
Me: Hey! STFU while im texting...
Friend: Why?
Me: Because you're gonna make me type what we're saying...
Saying dibs when a you see a hot girl walk pasted.
He's annoying, he's hilarious, he's the world's biggest jerk, he makes me want to scream, he ruins my day and saves it at the last minute, he drives me crazy, he's out of his mind, I hate his guts, and he's everything I want.
********I Always Do This!********
When you get into an elevator and look at the maximum capacity and start mentally calculating everyones weight...
Looking at a friend and saying: "I will if you will."
"I hate her" "Hates a strong word" "I know that's why i used it !"
American: "Oh wow you're from Australia!"
Australian: "Yeah"
American: "Do you like ride a Kangaroo to school?"
Australian: "I don't know, do you like ride a fat person to school?"
Duvet not covering foot . . . foot not safe :(
Dude, she called yo... "I DON'T CARE WHAT SHE CALLED ME!" No seriously she called you. *shows phone* see? two missed calls... "......."
I decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
Guys, here is a few tips for when you are texting girls:
1. Never take any longer then 20 minutes to reply.
2. Don't give short or one word replies.
3. Ask plenty of questions to show interest.
4. Utilise :). B*tches love :)