Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Best ever game as a child: make sure the balloon does not touch the floor
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Who else has dreams where you end up in a fight and when you punch someone with all your might it doesn't even do anything.
Kids at school keep teasing a girl because she is chubby. One day; she gets fed up so she says: I'm fat, and YOU'RE ugly. I can turn skinny in a month or two, but in a month or two you'll still be ugly. Like if you're against bullying.
Liverpool: Hi lads how much for Carroll?
Newcastle: 35 million, lol j.....
Liverpool: Done.
I can be mature. i just choose to be immature so i can have fun :)
I don’t hate you I don’t love you neither. you mean nothing to me you're just another geezer. I wont hit you, still I wont hug you neither. if we ever meet again, cold is how I’m gonna treat ya
Knowing you are going to be in trouble, so you think of what you can say.
Mom, my friends dont care if my room is messy. They just care if we have food.
I don't understand why people cheat. If you're not happy, just leave.
Who else flushes the toilet just as they start to pee to see if they can finish before the toilet has finished flushing?
Now and then, I announce "I know you're listening" when im in a room by myself. If im wrong, then nobody knows that I was speaking to my self, And if I'm right, I just freaked out some secret organisation.
The awkward moment when you've been talking to someone for ages, and you think they're really smart and logical, and then you find out they're religious.
1. FACT: You can't touch the roof of you mouth with your tongue
2. You're trying it now.
3. You're thinking WTF
5. You want to finish reading this
6. You didn't notice that the the number 4 is missing
7. You didn't notice that i put two "the"s in number 6
8. You are going to press like now
I am PSYCHIC...;)
You can make anything work if you really want it to.
My girlfriend invited me to her house, I found her sister alone in the house, she was unbelievably sexy, she whispered in my ear, "i have feelings for you, shall we have s*x" , I immediately turned around and walked to the front door to go to my car, I found my girlfriend standing there, she hugged me and said: "you've won my trust"... Moral of the story: always keep your condoms in the car
F*ck B*tches.. Flip Patties - Spongebob
In the 1980s, the movie "Back To The Future 2" was filmed, and set in 2010. They had flying skateboards, flying cars, and shoes that tie themselves. Now, it's 2011, and last year we got Bendaroos, Pillow Pets, and Snuggies.
A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar."
"One dollar?" exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?"
"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars."
"Two dollars?" cries the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket with loads of confetti.
Why?
Because then in the future, some archaeologist is going to have one awesome day at work...
The awkward moment when chat is down for maintenance and you cant ask your long term girlfriend of 5 years to marry you and she decides to ditch you for an Eskimo and moves to Alaska just because chat was down for maintenance.
*****Ninja Rule # 32*****
When you want to secretly listen to a conversation, put some headphones in and pretend you are listening to music...
Dear Yahoo,
Have you ever heard anyone say "I Dunno, Yahoo It!"
I don't think so!
Sincerely
Google
"hey can i have a sip?" "sure." * GLUG GLUG GLUG.* "dude, what the hell?"
When a girl hacks a Facebook account: OMG Amy! You have been hacked By Megan! Love Ya
When a boy hacks a Facebook account: Im gay!
Water has a taste you just can't explain. Life this if you agree :)
Old people at weddings always poke me and say "You're next." So, I started doing the same thing to them at funerals