Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Best ever game as a child: make sure the balloon does not touch the floor
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Dear Justin Bieber,
THINK FAST!
…..____________________ , ,__
……/ `—___________—-_____] – - – - – - – - ░ ▒▓▓█D
…../_==o;;;;;;;;_______.:/
…..), —.(_(__) /
….// (..) ), —-”
…//___//
..//___//
.//___//
it's not jason derulo, its JAAAAAYYSOOON DERRRULLLLLO ;).
Today, my girlfriend finally got a Facebook account. Too bad she doesn't know the difference between a wall post and a message. She just described how much she enjoyed our sex last night, in great detail. My mom liked it.
Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live! - Bob Marley
Success is like being pregnant....
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Everyone congratulates you, but nobody know how many times you were f*cked before you got there.
I hate when people call me with a hidden number... Next time I get one I'm going to answer "Hi Spencer's Sperm Bank, you jack it, we pack it. How may I help you...
Who else has that annoying friend on Facebook who spams their wall?
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight..I'd never be bored again!
Dracula once had a one night stand with tinker-bell.
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9 Months later, tinker-bell gave birth to a baby boy.
...and that's how Edward Cullen was born.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says"f*ck off, you wont bring it back!"
When I cross a one way road, I still look both ways just in case there are any women driving...
When I get a text from you, I immediately stop whatever im doing to read it
I really want to be chased by a cop car while im on a bicycle so I can shout BUMBLEEEEE!
I remember when staying up until midnight was hard work. Now it's just a bad habit that's hard to break.
Putting "le" in front of a word makes it French
The truth is, I'm not mad at you. I just hate the fact that every time your name lights up on my phone, I fall for you a little bit harder. And every time my name lights up on your phone.. well, I'm just another girl you talk to.
"Dude, she just called you alcoholic!"- "Oh,hell no! Hold my... haha just kidding, don't touch my VODKA''
Teacher:"where's your homework?",Student:"I lost it".......20min later ,Student:"I just found it!",Teacher:"No..You just did it".
3 things you wil never hear a man say:
1. I Understand
2. There's too much nudity in this film
3. For F*ck Sake, put some panties on woman!
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water…............ It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola
A cucumber, an olive and a p*nis are talking.
The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."
The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."
The p*nis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"
If a girl takes her makeup off around you, has her hair a mess around you, even when she's in the worst state, she loves you.
Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and vulnerable, if you want to toughen up- grow a v*gina, those things can take a pounding
Adding "and sh*t" to the end of any sentence makes it sound cooler and sh*t...
Grammar is important. Capital letters are the difference betwen helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.