Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Best ever game as a child: make sure the balloon does not touch the floor
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
They need to make bigger Capri Suns. I'm not 7 years old anymore. I am a teenager with some hard f●●king thirst.
All i'm saying, is 6.5 fl. oz. doesn't cut it anymore.
"A, B, C, or D?" "Well I haven't had a B for like 4 questions so I'll choose that"
3 RULES OF LIFE....
#1...it doesnt hurt when we pinch our elbows
#2...idiots will try #1
#3...idiots will laugh at #2 cuz its true
Don't you hate it when you're going through your news feed one last time before bed and you see a like page, so you click it.. then you spend the next two hours liking crap :p like if this has happened to you:)
A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and daddy doing?"
The mother replies, "Well you know hat daddy has a big tummy, and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," says the boy.
"Why is that" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
Like if you've ever
Ate all of your popcorn before the movie started
Spent an entire weekend in your pajamas
Accidently called your friend by the wrong name
Laughed for 5-10minutes straight
Couldn't find your phone when it's in your hand
or Felt like a ninja when you walk through the house at night.
Hey, I swear that somewhere in the dark corners of my room, there is a secret tribe of single socks hiding and laughing their asses off at me...
R.I.P. Comment Button.
"We're just friends"
Actually meaning;
"We love each other but we're too afraid to admit it to each other..."
Have you ever wondered which hurts the most: saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing, and wishing you had?
Time spent → in the shower;
25% -- Daydreaming.
25% -- Building up courage to turn off water and step into cold air.
20% -- Turing in a circle to maintain even hot water distribution.
10% -- Catching water in your mouth and spitting it out.
10% -- Contemplating the hardest decisions of life.
7% -- Washing hair.
3% -- Washing other body parts.
Light travels fast than sound. Thats why some people appear bright until you hear them speak...
If you want to be TOGETHER you have TO-GET-HER :)
*internet's down*
"... for more details on how to fix your internet connection please visit www..."
Like this if this has ever happened to you.
Scientifically it has been proven that too many birthdays can kill you...
After 34563754564 notifications, I can honestly say I regret liking your status.
Being sarcastic and everyone thinks you are being serious..
* 1:00 a.m. * Get up, walk calmly to the bathroom, pee, look in the mirror quickly to make sure there's no masked killer behind you, turn off the lights, run as fast as you can from the bathroom back into your bedroom and jump 2 feet in the air and land on the bed, pull the covers up to your chin and glance around the room to make sure you didn't leave any more killers behind you on your expedition back, relax and nuzzle back into your pillow. * 17 seconds later you hear a noise * jump up quickly and realize its the air conditioning coming on and think " man! those ninja's just wont give up tonight.. "
I go to party's, so I'm an alcoholic.
Some of my shirts are cleavagy, so I'm a slut.
I wear make-up and straighten my hair, so I'm fake.
I sometimes make innapropriate jokes, so I'm trashy.
I'm still buddies with some of my girl friends exes, so I'm a backstabber.
I cry, so I'm emotional.
I speak my mind, so I'm a bitch.
I wear some clothes that are out of style, and sometimes just throw my hair in a ponytail, so I'm ugly.
So I guess I should be a nun.
No wait, then I'd be boring.
GET OUT OF MY HEAD AND INTO MY BED!
Your story doesn't add up. So feel free to stop lying
"Dude she just called you italian"
"Oh hell no, hold my ipod!"
"what does that have to do with being italian?"
"Absolutely nothing, why?"
"Nothing... I just thought since you were italian, you'd be holding a pizza or something..."
That one person that can completely p*ss you off and instantly ruin your mood, but can also make smile and brighten your day instantly.
An english professor wrote the words: ''A woman without her man is nothing'' on the chalkboard. He asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote: ''A woman, without her man, is nothing.''
All the females in the class wrote: ''A woman: without her, man is nothing.''
The awkward moment when you are trying to kill a spider and your lose track of it and you become a victim in your own home...