Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Best ever game as a child: make sure the balloon does not touch the floor
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
boy asks his mum "is it wrong to have a willy" she says no, why do you ask? boy replies, COZ DADS IN THE BATHROOM SWEATING LIKE MAD TRYING 2 PULL HIS OFF....
I use my phone as a flashlight, and hit random buttons to keep it lit. :)
Stupid Law #65: Did you know that America is the only country in the world where not wearing your seatbelt carries a greater penalty then murdering your children...
I hate it when your childhood superhero stories like Thor and etc. becomes a movie, and ever since then, when you google ' Thor ' , it gives you results related to the movie.
I am currently involed in a poking war.
elementary school: mummy i have a new friend. middle school: hey mom can ____ come over? mom: yeah whos that? you: my new friend. high school: *you and your friend walk in* mom: who's that? my friend...
If my woman doesn't make me sandwiches, I won't give her any shopping money. How about that?
Grammar is important! Capital letters are the difference betwen helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
Listening to someone telling a story and thinking: Lie, lie, lie, b.s., lie, lie
Adding "and sh*t" to the end of any sentence makes it sound cooler and sh*t...
The awkward moment when you are watching a film with your girlfriend and she puts her head in you lap...
"Stand Down Soldier! Stand. Down!"
Clerk: Hi, welcome To McDonalds, what can I get you?
Me: Hi, can I get half a dozen chicken nuggets please?
Clerk: Oh I'm sorry, we only serve 6, 10 or 20.
Me: So you can't serve me half a dozen chicken nuggets?
Clerk: No, only 6, 10, or 20
Me: OK, interesting...
*FACEBOOK CHAT*
Girl- Who do you like?
Boy- I'm talking to her :)
Girl- Awww :)
Boy- Oh not you, it's another girl Im talking to.
Gir- ...
When you say "hi" to a little kid and they just stare at you
I hate it when you're sitting in the cinema ready to watch the movie and the next thing you know BOOM. human giraffe sits in front of you.
If women ruled the world, there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
Katy Perry Has Her Firework, Taio Cruz Has His Dynamite And Bruno Mars Has His Grenade... I Bet La Roux Is Glad That She's Bulletproof!
Hey It's Summer!
Time to build a rocket, fight a mummy, climb the Eiffel Tower, discover something that doesn't exist and give a monkey a shower!
I ♥ my own bed. But I’ll be honest, I'd much rather be in yours ;)
You Got Cam Babe?? *BLOCKED* & *DELETED*
***** Things that make you go hmmmmm?*****
If a man gets morning wood, does that mean women get morning dew?
That awkward moment when you're with your friends and they're all putting down the person you like...
These are the three biggest lies from a guys mouth:
1. I'm not that type of guy, honest!
2. I won't hurt you
3. I'm sorry
**** Things that maker you go hmmmmm ****
If Jesus could walk on water, and humans are 70% water. If I walk on humans, does that mean I am 70% Jesus?
My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday. As she was leaving, she yelled "You need to grow up!". I don't know what has gotten into her. It's probably because i didn't give her the password to my secret fort.