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When a woman says "What" it's not because she didn't hear you - she is giving you a CHANCE to CHANGE what you just said!
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Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Edward: "I could kill you in seconds. So shutup."
Jacob: "What are you gonna do exactly? Sparkle me to death?!"
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Dont you just hate it lads when your taking a p*ss, look away for one second and...BAM! the toilet seat bangs the f*ck out of you p*nis
The many uses of "fml";
-fuck my life ;
-forgot my lunch ;
-feed my llama ;
-fuck me later ;
-free my lizard ;
-feel my lollipop ;
I hate it when your childhood superhero stories like Thor and etc. becomes a movie, and ever since then, when you google ' Thor ' , it gives you results related to the movie.
Men have two emotions, hungry and h*rny. If he doesn't have an erecti*n, go make him a sandwich...
What did Barrack say to Michelle when he proposed?
"I don't wanna be Obama self..."
Life always offers second chances. It's called tomorrow.
The past cannot be changed, erased, edited or forgotten. It can only be accepted...
Who knew Eminem before 'I'm Not Afraid' and 'Love The Way You Lie'?
I only check my voice mail to get rid of the little notification symbol on my screen.
we need= i want.
i am sorry= you'll be sorry.
we need to talk= your in trouble.
of course, go ahead= you better not.
do what you want= you'll pay for this later.
im not upset= of course im upset, you moron!
The difference between School & Life? In School, you're taught a lesson & then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson
Me: I wasn't that drunk!
Friend: Yes you was! When I tried taking the vodka bottle off of you, you kept on yelling "Swiper no swiping!"
Policewoman: You are under arrest. Anything that you say can and will be held against you.
I'm telling the truth, but then I smile, and then they think I'm lying.
Can you believe that it took Harry Potter 7 stupidly long books to catch the bad guy, when it only takes Scooby Doo & Shaggy 25 minutes...
If Google can't find it, you're screwed.
Please change the photo viewer back to normal!
400 million pissed facebook users :)
Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.
Sometimes you gotta take five steps back to move 5 steps to the future
I hate it when my phone screen blinds me in the middle of the night
President Bush tried and failed.
President Clinton tried and failed.
President Obama tried and succeeded.
The moral of this is...
If you want someone dead, hire a black man.
**** I hate when this happens #69 ****
The awkward moment when you get a boner in school and the desk lifts up and flips over...
I Restart The Song When I Miss My Favorite Part
I hate when my Mom takes me super boring, then just as we are about to leave, the "Goodbyes" turn into small talk and we end up staying there another hour...
Don't get ahead of yourself, remember what you're celebrating for. Not for the death of Bin Laden, but for the peace, the loved ones, and the accomplishment
*******I Hate When This Happens #69********
When you and your partner have just finished with forepl*y and are about to have s*x, then you are interupted by something... Like a phone call, or the sudden urge to go to the toilet....
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