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What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.
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Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Damn! LOL - Your #1 source for daily funny pics!
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
"And i was like f*ck you.'" "Did you say that!?" "Nah, but i thought it.."
I hate it when my friends tell me a joke and they're like "You had to be there" and i'm like "Yeah, I would have been if you had invited me...."
Hello Justin Bieber. I want to play a game. Throughout the years you have soiled the meaning of good music. There will be consequences. The device attached to your abdomen will trigger in 75 seconds, sending a metal bar up your ass. Your chances at surviving is the key located in your ashophogus, inside your lungs, the very lungs that have soiled the ears of the innocent. How much blood will you sacrifice to continue your life? The choice is yours. Let the game begin
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
I've got a dilemma, I haven't washed up for weeks, so....
Do I now wash the dishes...?
Do I attempt to eat cornflakes from a cup.... with a knife...?
Me: Your party was amazing last night
Friend: How can you remember... you were drunk most of the night...
Me: I wasn't that drunk...
Friend: Dude, you were stood in my fireplace yelling "Diagon Alley..."
Realising someone doesn’t speak English and speaking to them in a slow, loud and retarded voice cause you’re a fearless b*stard.
My pokemon brings all the nerds to the yard, and they're like 'Wanna trade cards?' Damn right, I wanna trade cards. I'll trade this, but not my charizard...
"OMG how did you find out?" "Facebook."
Who needs School when you have got JUSTIN BIEBER;
English – His amazing accent
Maths – Common Denominator
Science – He’s Doctor Bieber
Religious Studies – Pray
PE – Ice hockey, Base Ball, Basketball and Dance
Geography – World Tour
Drama – CSI and SNL
Music – 3 Albums!
Languages – He speaks English, French and a bit of German
Film Studies – Never Say Never 3D
Love Beliebers xx
Did you ever notice, when people tell you you've changed, it's only because you stopped acting the way they want you to act.
Love waking up in the middle of the night and, realising u have hours left!
**Types in password** 'Password incorrect' 'Huh?' **types it in again** 'Password incorrect' 'But that IS my password' **types it in again** 'Password incorrect** 'b**ch that IS my password! Im gonna throw this thing out the fu... oh wait, caps lock.'
Girls: There is a fine line between wearing made-up and looking like you got attacked by crayola!
I got sentenced to 10 years in prison today. Maybe when the judge asked "Guilt or Not Guilty" I shouldn't of answered:
I'm a true gentleman and swear to never kiss and tell. Which is why, your honour, Im pleading not guilty.
10 things a typical teenage girl can't live without...
1. A Mobile Phone
2. A Laptop or Computer with internet access
4. A Warm Hoodie
6. A Facebook, Msn, or YouTube account
8. Unlimited Texts
9. Hair Straighteners
10. Reality TV
Like this if you can't live without at least one of these things!!
Those times where you find the motherload of all money in your dream and wake up in your dream and it's right in front of you then you actually wake up and FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
I drop you. i say i hate you. i throw you. i lose you. i forget about you, but i couldn't live without you.
Don't you hate watching the one you like, liking someone else?
Sometimes I get depressed, then I remember I have a great ass and its all ok :)
I have no problem with texting and driving. But texting and walking down the stairs... That sh*t is dangerous man.
Dear Drake, the square root of 69 is 8.306623862918075... I heard you were 'tryna work it out. Sincerely, Maths
My Mum says you are what you eat....
That's funny, I haven't eaten any s*xy beasts lately...
I'm going to start giving any new woman I meet my phone number in Roman numerals...
If she's smart enough to work it out and ring me then she's worth keeping. I'm done with these dumb women...
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