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What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.
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Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Damn! LOL - Your #1 source for daily funny pics!
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
-two hours later-
G: What took you so long?
B: Someone asked my why I loved you
G: Aww, that's so-
B: And I laughed so hard I fell against my computer and broke it.
5 things boys should know about girls.
1. when we look at your mouth we want to you kiss us.
2. when we say we're fine, we're really not.
3. when we say we're cold we want you to hug us.
4. when we don't wear makeup it's because we trust you.
5. when we put our hands by our side we want you to hold it.
*********Dirty Mind Test #985***********
Whats starts with the letter 'P' and ends in 'orn'?
What where you thinking?
son:im having a baby sister!
mom:want to feel my tummy?
mom: -puts his hand on her belly- feel her kicking?
son:who is in there?!
son:u ate sissy!!!
I'm NOT flirting!! its called BEING NICE!
"OMG REALLY?!?!?!?" haha no im lying
A man and wife were driving down the road after having an argument, and neither one wanted to admit they were wrong. So when the man drives past a farm and sees a group of pigs, he asks his wife "Relatives of yours?" To this, the wife replies "Yep. In-laws."
I don't care if it's 5 minutes or a whole night, i just want to see you.
Me: Ask me if im a tree.
Me: ask me if im a tree.
Me: Ask me if im a tree.
Friend: FINE ARE YOU A F*CKING TREE??
"Dude, she just called you alcoholic!"- "Oh,hell no! Hold my... haha just kidding, don't touch my VODKA''
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
Saying guns kill people is like blaming a pen for misspelling a word.
Everybody has characteristic people in their life:
the person that insults you
the person that makes fun of you
the person that laughs at every joke you say
the person that is just stupid
the person that acts younger than they are
the person that you love
the person that is a geek
the person that is a idiot
the person that is a blonde
the person that is a smart blonde
the person who always get hurt
the person that is a dare-devil
the person that is cool
the person that is weird
the person that is psycho
the person that complains
and the person that is a joker
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her....
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked, with beer....
AWWWWW F*CK RUN!! COPS COPS COPS COPS ARE COMING FUCKING RUN F*CK!!!!........... oh wait its just a taxi =]
"Hey" ... 2 hours later ... "Hey" ... No it's too late i dont wanna talk to you now.
Grammar is important! Capital letters are the difference betwen helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and daddy doing?"
The mother replies, "Well you know hat daddy has a big tummy, and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," says the boy.
"Why is that" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
Can not connect to network. Try resetting your wireless router" umm ok but what if my router is in my neighbor's house? Should I call him?
*1 friend request* (250 friends in common) "... i still dont know you lol"
I'm Proud 2 say: I Don"t Smoke
"Are you free tommorow?" "Actually, I'm pretty expensive."
Ripping grass out of the ground and putting it on the person next to you :)
A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor I'm hurting all over my body." "That's odd", replied the doctor, "Show me what you mean" So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on. The doctor says, "You're not a natural brunette are you?" "No I'm a blonde", she replies. "I thought so.. your finger is broken.", replies the doctor.
Friend:Dude,I wasn't that drunk.
Me:Dude,WHAT?!?!? You threw my hamster and saying "GO PIKACHU!!!"
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