What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Edward: "I could kill you in seconds. So shutup."
Jacob: "What are you gonna do exactly? Sparkle me to death?!"
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
We may not be friends anymore, but i wont forget the memories.
My Momma once said to me: "Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last long if your morbidly obese..."
Friendship... is not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything. - Muhammad Ali
Who in the hell came up with milking a cow...... Likw, what was going through that guys brain? And why on earth did he drink it?
The awkward moment...when u try to put ur hand into ur shirt sleeve and ur hand doesn't go thru and.. 2 secs later u realize the sleeve was out... :/
Like if its a sunday, you're bored, hungry, your homework is still in your bag from friday and you have no idea what to do with your life.
Gentlemen !!! Like this and we will see how many boys out there are NOT interested in girls with big boobs/butt, dressing like sluts and acting like whores ;)
Spelling a word so badly that even Microsoft Word Spell Checker & Google's 'Did You Mean?' doesn't even know WTF you were trying to type....
Relationships are like yard sales.........
....... They look good from far, but once your in one it's just full of sh*t that you don't need.....
"I'm a ninja." *prove it.* "did you see that?" *see what?* "exactly..."
A Horny husband was helping his wife setup a password for her computer. he typed in 'My P*nis' and pressed enter and his wife burst out laughing when the computer returned an error message saying 'Its not long enough'
I'm waiting for you to talk to me first! :)
I will never cheat in a Relationship.
Having Inappropriate Conversations in Public
I ♥ my own bed. But I’ll be honest, I'd much rather be in yours ;)
When you say something funny to your friends and then someone you don't like laughs as well... Then you're like "No. You're not allowed to laugh at my jokes..." -_-
A man is in a hotel lobby. As he runs to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman and as he does, his elbow hits her brea$t.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your brea$t, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your peni$ is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 243."
When I Was Younger, I Put My Face Close To The Fan To Hear My Robot Voice
The awkward moment when you are watching a film with your girlfriend and she puts her head in you lap...
"Stand Down Soldier! Stand. Down!"
******The First Time Someone Used The Middle Finger*******
Person 1: I'm so mad right now, i could just, i could....GAH
****Sticks up middle finger*****
Person 2: What's that mean?
Person 1: I don't know, but it just feels right...
Can you believe that I spent 15 minutes last night looking for my phone in my car while using my phone as a torch. Yeah, I was THAT high...
While the microwave is on, I try to do as many things as I can such as get my knife and fork ready, and then I press stop on the microwave just as it reaches one so I can feel like a bada$$ that has just defused a bomb...
Sarcasm (n.) - the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.
Daughter: Goodnight dad love you.
Dad: Love you to.
Son: Goodnight dad love you.
Dad: Son before you go to bed can i ask u you somthing.
Son: What.
Dad: Are you fu*king gay.