Back to Facebook
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.
Next Page »
Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Best ever game as a child: make sure the balloon does not touch the floor
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
I out smarted a homeless person today. When he asked if he could have my sandwich, I said "Hell No!, your homeless not foodless...."
I don't like you. So, I am going to buy you a kitten. Then I am going to wait till you fall in love with that kitten. Then I am going to sneak into your house one night and... punch you in the face.
OMG!!!! Osama Bin Laden's name backwards is..............................
nedal nib amaso....
OK, it means absolutely nothing...
J.K. Rowling, I was fine when you said that Harry's parents were dead. Fine, when you killed Sirius. Okay, when you killed Hedwig and Mad-Eye. A little mad when you killed Dumbledore. BUT YOU CROSSED THE LINE BY KILLING DOBBY!!!!!!!!!!
Man I wish I had Dora's parents. They let her go ANYWHERE!
Substitute teacher: "Does your teacher let you do that?" Students: "Yes..."
Mirror Mirror - A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust line forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her bre*sts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my p*nis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.
Hey, I been thinking, does anybody else think that the Pringles guy and the Monopoly guy are related in some way?
I rushed my dog to the vet because he was foaming at the mouth. I returned home with a bill for $200 and a dog who apparently has a thing for marshmallows.
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have s3x all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies
"F*ck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
There was this lady and she really wanted to have s*x, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.
The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a p*nis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle p*nis my v*gina' and it will start having s*x with you".
So later she tries out the pickle p*nis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled p*nis"
Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE P*NIS MY A$$"
When you hear yourself singing in the shower and wonder..... Why the f*ck havent I made an album yet.
I hope one day you choke on the shit that you talk.
i'd catch a grenade for ya......lol jk, i'd press r2 and throw it back :D
I was having the best s*x I've ever had with my wife when the doctor walked in and said, "Look, I know this is an emotional time but it really is time to turn off her life support".
Akward moment when you are sitting there then your door opens and no one walks in and for those five seconds your thinking "i had a good/terrible life..." and then your cat walks in the door.......
We are teenage girls.
When we go home...
Our straightened hair goes up into messy buns.
Our makeup has faded or smudged so we take it off.
The fake smile vanishes into how we really feel.
Our brand new shirt changes into our favorite old sweater.
Our skinny jeans are traded for sweat pants or pajamas.
And our Uggs are taken off to reveal our fuzzy socks.
When we go home...
You wouldn't recognize us.
I am too positive to be doubtful, too optimistic to be fearful and too determined to de defeated....
Two deaf people get married. during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights as they cannot see each other's hand signs. after several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "honey," she signs, "why don't we agree on some simple signals? for instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. if you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." the husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "great idea! now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time." "and if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"
Our relationship is like a game of Jumanji, You don’t know what’s going to happen and you don’t know where your going to end up
You: *Takes a book and smacks friend on the face*....
Friend: What the hell was that for?
You: I facebooked you..
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. DAD: Son, where were you today during school hours? SON: At school*Robot slaps Son* SON: OK,I went to the movies. DAD: Which one? SON: Toy Story*Robot slaps son again* SON: OK, it was paranormal 3. DAD: WHAT? When I was your age I wasnt even aloud to see scary movies until i was 18!*Robot slaps Dad* MOM: HAHA! After all he's your son.*Robot slaps mom*
How To Blow Bubbles:
First go like this, spin around. STOP!
Double take three times. One, two three.
Then.... pelvic thrust! Whooooooo! Whooooooo!
Stop on your right foot, DON'T FORGET IT!
Now it's time to bring it around town. Bring-it-a-round-town.
Then you do this, then this, and this, then this, then that, then this and that, and then...
If I could be any part of you, I would be your tears.
To be conceived in your heart,
Born in your eyes,
Live on your cheeks,
And die on your lips.
Like if youre one of the people WITHOUT a Blackberry? :)
Next Page »
Terms of Service
Me Like This © 2010. All Rights Reserved - This site is not affiliated with Facebook.