Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Best ever game as a child: make sure the balloon does not touch the floor
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Three girls running from the cops, a blonde, Brunette, and a red head..
they all hide and the cop comes by looks at a garbage can and says:
Hmm i wonder whats in here, the red head says squeek squeek and he leaves
He passes a dog house and says:
Hmm whats in here, the Brunette says Woof Woof!, nd he leaves..
He passes a Potato sack and says:
Hmm whats in here, the Blonde says PO-TA-TOES!!
I remember when my best friend was the shy and quiet one... I created a monster:D
Admit it, at one point in your life you have been attracted to a cartoon character. Don't worry it was normal when you were young.
If people are always trying to bring you down, it just means they are jealous because you are above them.
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes or no.'
Crazy kissing facts
-65% of people tilt their heads to the right when kissing instead of the left
-men who kiss their wives in the morning live five years longer than those who don't.
-some theorize that when you kiss a person with the same hair color as yourself, the result is a more passionate kiss.
-on average a human will spend up to 2 weeks kissing in his/her lifetime.
-our brains have special neurons that help us find each others lips in the dark
Women might be able to fake org*sms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
My girlfriend left me the other day. Her reason for leaving was she thinks I spend too much time chatting on internet forums...
I told her she is wrong. Wait until Night_Hawk315 hears about this.
My business isn't your business. So unless you are my thong, don't be up my A$$.
Having s*x with an ugly person is like bungee jumping, you know your gonna enjoy it but for f*cks sake just dont look down
Is it just me or does everything seem funnier when you're supposed to be quiet?
I've got a dilemma, I haven't washed up for weeks, so....
Do I now wash the dishes...?
Or
Do I attempt to eat cornflakes from a cup.... with a knife...?
*FACEBOOK CHAT*
Girl- Who do you like?
Boy- I'm talking to her :)
Girl- Awww :)
Boy- Oh not you, it's another girl Im talking to.
Gir- ...
You may have died, but I love and remember you - R.I.P
Some people wish that Morgan Freeman narrated their lives. I on the other hand would choose Optimus Prime...
Dear Parents. Jasmine was in a relationship with a dirty homeless boy named Aladdin. Snow White lived alone with 7 men. Pinnochio was a liar. Robin Hood was a thief. Tarzan walked around without clothes on. A stranger kissed sleeping beauty and she married him. Cinderella lied and snuck out at night to attend a party. You can"t blame us. We were taught to rebel since a young age..
I'm tired of girls complaining that theres no good guys left...hello..we are where you left us, IN THE FRIEND ZONE.
***Things That Make You Go Hmmmm?***
If a turtle lost it's shell, would it be homeless or naked?
Everybody has at least two address memorised. Their own address and...
P. Sherman
42 Wallaby Way,
Sydney.
Rumors. Gotta love 'em. I find out stuff about me I didn't even know. :)
A woman comes home to find her husband using a hair dryer on his p*nis.
She Ask:l What on earth are you doing?
He Replies: Heating up your dinner darling...
I want to lick you, s*ck you, move my tounge all around you.....
but this damn wrapper wont come off the lollipop ;P
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The real danger of chewing gum in school isn't being caught by your teacher. It's being caught by all the people in your class who suddenly become your friends.
The embarrassment when you walk out of the house and have to go back in to change, because you realise that you're just too sexy for your shirt!! :/