Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Edward: "I could kill you in seconds. So shutup."
Jacob: "What are you gonna do exactly? Sparkle me to death?!"
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Mom and Dad...when I lie to you, its for your own good
I turned out liking you, A lot more than I originally planned
"You're short! " ... "I'm aware."
I walked into the pub toilet earlier, spotted a bloke at the urinals, and made my way to the cubicle.
Bloke laughed and said, "Embarrassed about your man muscle, hey, lad?"
A bit embarrassed, I said; "Of course not!" And made my way over to the urinal next to him.
What a hypocrite, he sure seemed embarrassed watching me take a dump.
Dear facebook,
Please change the photo viewer back to normal!
Sincerely,
400 million pissed facebook users :)
My f*cking neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am, do you believe that sh*t!? 2:30!!
Lucky for him I was still awake playing the drums...
"Hey" ... 2 hours later ... "Hey" ... No it's too late i dont wanna talk to you now.
Today, my girlfriend finally got a Facebook account. Too bad she doesn't know the difference between a wall post and a message. She just described how much she enjoyed our sex last night, in great detail. My mom liked it.
A local teenage girl died 8 months ago. While on Facebook I saw that her boyfriend still has her listed as his girlfriend... True love never dies.
Periods late..
//..Haven't had sex..\
................................
i must be carrying the next baby Jesus.
I Don't Mind When Our Conversations Get A Little Boring Or When We're Texting & We Run Out Of Things To Say . I Don't Care When We're Hanging Out & We're Doing Absolutely Nothing , Because Just Having You Is Enough To Make Me Happy
*Phone Rings*
Shorty: Yo..
Scream: Hello Shorty, What are you doin'
Shorty: Nuttin.. Sitting here watchin' the game, Smoking sum bud
Scream: Are you all alone
*Background noise* WAAAASSSSSSSSUPPPP!!!!
Shorty: WAAAASSSSUUUPPPPP!!
Everyone: WWWWWAAAAASSSSSSSSSUUUPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wrote swag on a sticky not and stuck it to my light switch. Now every morning I can get up, stretch and then go and turn my swag on.
100 Friends - Thats ok.
200 Friends - Eh, Your getting there.
300 Friends - Good amount.
400 Friends - Sorta popular.
500 Friends - Your well known.
600 Friends - Your a sl*t.
700 Friends - Big sl*t.
800 Friends - You dont even know half of them.
900 Friends - Nerd.
1000 Friends - Facebook is your life.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I am right.
Jagerbombs
I Flip My Pillow Over to Get To The Cold Side
If a girl takes her makeup off around you, has her hair a mess around you, even when she's in the worst state, she loves you.
I Saw That Little Speech Bubble What Were You Going to Say
Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.
*boy at gym doing situps
62....63....64....65...66....
*hot girl walks by*
69.....69...69.....69.....
6093.
Two blonde's drove across the country to see Disney World in Florida. When they reached the last sign for Disney World on the highway that said "DISNEY WORLD LEFT!"
The blonde driver then said "Oh well, We'll come back another time to see if it's back" and started to drive home.
If all girls started wearing no make up and comfortable clothes
guys would have no choice but to fall for girls because of natural beauty
and search for our personalities instead of just focusing on how hot we usually try to look.
If only it was that easy ♥
Try to say the letter 'M' without your lips touching. Like if you tried.
Drunk Texting