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People can become vampires in 3 easy steps:
1) Spill glue on the floor
2) Throw a bunch of glitter on top (glitter/SPARKLES - its your choice)
3) Roll around in it
Like, if you get it ;)
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Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Best ever game as a child: make sure the balloon does not touch the floor
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
I hate it when you're sitting in the cinema ready to watch the movie and the next thing you know BOOM. human giraffe sits in front of you.
I hate it when my friends tell me a joke and they're like "You had to be there" and i'm like "Yeah, I would have been if you had invited me...."
The feeling of depression when your teacher says "OK class, we're going to be doing a group presentation, so find yourselves a partner"
So you look straight over at your only friend in the class and they already have a partner...
I hope one day you choke on the shit that you talk.
Don't you hate watching the one you like, liking someone else?
Girls are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten ones from the ground, that aren't as good, but are easy.
So the apples at the top think there's something wrong with them.
But really, they are amazing.
They just have to wait for the right boy to come along.
The one who is brave enough to climb all the way.
To the top of the tree.
Harry Potter made wizards cool again, Left 4 Dead made zombies cool again, The Dark Knight made superheroes cool again, Twilight made vampires uncool forever
*at a restaurant*
person 1: this food is sh*t!
person 2: send it back then?
*waiter comes over*
is everything alright with your food:)?
person 1: yes thank you its lovely:).
person 2: wtf?..
do me a favour?... stay in my life
Girls are like apples. The best ones are at the top of the trees. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think there is something wrong with them,when,in reality,they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree
Hitting stuff to make it work
When I see a typo I look at the keyboard to see if the two keys were close
Some guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so i gave him a cup of water...
I was just watching Spongebob, is it a coincidence that Krusty Krab is located in Bikini Bottom? Or am i looking into this too hard? Hmmm...
Ladys, Below are reasons why cookie dough is better than ANY p*nis:
It's enjoyable, soft or hard.
Its makes a mess too, but it tastes a lot better.
When ever it's in your mouth, you always want to swallow.
You can enjoy it more than once.
It comes already wrapped in a protective wrapping.
You dont have to keep going until you've finished it off.
You dont have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.
You can have more than one and you will not be called a s!ut.
They come in all sizes.
One day i will actually hit you.
It's not that I hate you... it's just, put it this way. if you were on fire and I had water, i'd drink it.
RIP to the guy who died doing one of the best sports ever..... planking
That awkward moment when you are in class, and your teacher asks you to read out loud, and you don’t even know what page they’re on.
Success is like being pregnant....
Everyone congratulates you, but nobody know how many times you were f*cked before you got there.
If guys had periods, all they would do is brag about the size of their tampons...
Ladies Can You Explain This: I never understood how if a woman is in her pants and bra, it's not acceptable. But if she's in a bikini then its ok?
I mean, whats the difference?
Hello Justin Bieber. I want to play a game. Throughout the years you have soiled the meaning of good music. There? will be consequences. The device attached to your abdomen will trigger in 75 seconds, sending a metal bar up your ass. Your chances at surviving is the key located in your ashophogus, inside your lungs, the very lungs that have soiled the ears of the innocent. How much blood will you sacrifice to continue? your life? The choice is yours. Let the game begin.
That night when you are spastically drunk, you step off a wall out the back of a club and smash your head on concrete stairs then security run inside and laugh.... Then call you an ambulance :D
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