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People can become vampires in 3 easy steps:
1) Spill glue on the floor
2) Throw a bunch of glitter on top (glitter/SPARKLES - its your choice)
3) Roll around in it
Like, if you get it ;)
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Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Mocking people in a voice they don't even have.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Depressed? Earphones in, volume up & ignore the world.
Dude... I watch all the CSI's, Ncis, and Criminal Minds. I can make your death look like an accident
Everytime I see you, a voice in my head goes "sluuuuuuuuuttt!!"
Be careful who you open up to. only a few people actually care, the rest are just curious.
When I cross a one way road, I still look both ways just in case there are any women driving...
"Boob" is the perfect word. The B looks like an aerial view of them, the 2 o's look like a front view, and the b looks like a side view.
Pain is natures way if warning you and telling you "don't do that!"
Painkillers are man way of replying "Just Watch Me!"
You: Hey dad, can I get some money for some coke?
Dad: Sure... is $60 enough?
You: Dad. It's $1.25.
Dad: Wow, the price sure went down from when I was a kid...
You: DAD! COCA-COLA?
I don't like to think before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
That "F*CK YOU, YOU MOTHER F*CKING PIECE OF SH*T, WHO F*CKING PUT THAT THERE ANYWAY!" moment when you stub you toe...
OK, i'm going to admit it. It's been bugging me for about 10 years now and I need to get it off my chest. I let the dogs out.
Guys have no idea how long something they said can stay in a girl's mind..
'hello!' *no reply* ohh yeah i forgot i only excist when you want me too.
*texting in class*
Teacher: OI YOU! ARE YOU TEXTING IN CLASS AGAIN?!
Student: no..I just randomly look down at my d*ck and start smiling.
Crazy kissing facts
-65% of people tilt their heads to the right when kissing instead of the left
-men who kiss their wives in the morning live five years longer than those who don't.
-some theorize that when you kiss a person with the same hair color as yourself, the result is a more passionate kiss.
-on average a human will spend up to 2 weeks kissing in his/her lifetime.
-our brains have special neurons that help us find each others lips in the dark
Who's that sexy beast.............Oh, I clicked on my own profile again!!
Alright, it's been 20 minutes, you should probably text me back now.
We are teenage girls.
When we go home...
Our straightened hair goes up into messy buns.
Our makeup has faded or smudged so we take it off.
The fake smile vanishes into how we really feel.
Our brand new shirt changes into our favorite old sweater.
Our skinny jeans are traded for sweat pants or pajamas.
And our Uggs are taken off to reveal our fuzzy socks.
When we go home...
You wouldn't recognize us.
You're not drunk, you've had one drink, so stop pretending.
What shall I wear, no, no, no, nope, no, no, urm I wore that yesterday... Oh well nobody saw me yesterday so I'll just wear it again today...
If you stalk the files on my computer most of them will have names like 'hujkdsugyhj' because I'm too lazy to type a real name for the documents.
My girlfriend just text me saying "I want you to get me wet when I get home..." So i'm ready and waiting with 15 water balloons...... I can't wait.....
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for s*x. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what s*x was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"
"Tarzan check for bees!"
Kids Before: Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.
Kids now: Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me.
Can you find the the mistake?
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