Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Best ever game as a child: make sure the balloon does not touch the floor
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Tummy, sorry for the butterflys.
Pillow, sorry for the tears.
but most important, heart, sorry for the break
girl: I love J.B. <3
boy: OMG SO DO I!!
girl: He's so sexy!
boy: Um...
girl: He's so hot! <3
boy: WTF?
girl: And he can do everything!
boy: Well, that I agree with.
girl: Justin Bieber is so cute!!
boy: Oh, I thought you were talking about Jack Black. =/
girl: ...
*********BOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!************
Ypu just got good luck for 24hrs by reading this 'Like'. Keep it going and click the 'Like' button to spread good luck to all your friends.
When I was younger I would never text in front of my Mom just after she has yelled at me just in case she decided to take my phone off of me.
"A, B, C, or D?" "Well I haven't had a B for like 4 questions so I'll choose that"
Ypur REAL smart obama.....killing a freakin terrorist with a lot of terrorist friends. Now the terrorist friends want REVENGE on the freakin country. SUPER SMART THINKING OBAMA!
I like you... where do I click?
To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times
Did not come home at all - 36 times
Did not come - 21 times
Came too soon - 38 times
Went soft before you got it in - 19 times
Cramps in your leg - 16 times
Working too late - 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times
The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"
Love, Your Wife
Everyday I fear that eventually you are going to discover that I'm not as great as you once thought I was...
If you want to be TOGETHER you have TO-GET-HER :)
oh a friend request :) , who are they? ohwell they look alright. *accepts* , *views photos* OMG! remove as friend , REMOVE AS FRIEND!
Mom: did you finish your homework and chores?
You: (rolls eyes) YEEES mom I'm not two years old
*three hours later* HOLY CRAP!!! I haven't even started that essay!!
Girl: Hi :)
Boy: Hey.
Girl: I heard you like somebody...
Boy: Yeah, yeah.
Girl: Ooh, who is it?
Boy: I'm not telling.
Girl: Fine, do I know her?
Boy: Yeah.
Girl: Hmm, what's she look like?
Boy: Do you have a mirror?
boyfriEND, girlfriEND, friEND, everything has an end, except for family.
A guy broke into my appartment last week.. He didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.. Sick bastard..
My wife said she is leaving me because she said I always relate everything to Batman...
... What a joker...
When you're smiling at your phone or computer and your parents ask who you're talking too...
"Mind Your Own Business!"
My ex wife got in touch with me this morning. She said, "Do you fancy meeting up tomorrow and giving it another crack?" I said, "Yeah..... I'd love to". I presume she was talking about her jaw.
Best way to get a teacher to let you go to toilet
You: May I go to the bathroom please?
Teacher: NO! Not till the end of the lesson
You: But sir... It's coming out!
Teacher:... Go then
Don't you hate it when you're texting lying down on your bed and all of a sudden your phone decides to be ninja and slips through your hands and attacks your face?
All the world leaders have hinted that there might be a bank holiday to mark Osama Bin Ladens death...
So, all together now
We're all going on Osama holiday...
R.I.P. Comment Button.
Showers aren't just for cleaning, and some people don't go in just for cleaning.... It's for...
A place thinking about life...
A place when your depressed...
A place to sing without getting embarrassed...
A place for alone time...
A place to get warmth...
Showers are amazing.
Dont you hate it when you're changing in the locker rooms and some dumb chick has a period stain .... ruines your whole day :(
"Are you home?" "No... I just picked up my house phone from Burger King..."