Magical Mirror
Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Statistics show that 35% of all fatal road traffic accidents are caused by drink drivers. Well that must mean that the other 65% is caused by sober drivers. So watch out for the ones that are driving in straight lines!
That moment when you have to pee in the middle of the night and you avoid all eye contact with yourself becuase, you think your going jump out the mirror and attack you.
Middle School Profile Pictures - you're not cool unless its at an angle with a peace sign, your tongue sticking out, cleavage showing, or if you're a guy you need a hat or a girl with cleavage next to you.
High School Pictures - you're not cool unless its a single pic of you or with your friends doing something weird/child like, you and your bf kissing, you're half naked, or you're doing something illegal.
**** You never guess what I saw today!!! ****
I was walking down the road to the shop and I saw a woman who was wearing more make-up than clothes... It's disgraceful how women expose every part of their body in today's society...
Guess what i'm going to go and do?
******************************************
I'm going to take a hot shower.... it's like a normal shower only with me in it...
-Friday-
Teacher: "Okay students, remember, that report is due Monday first thing!"
You *when you get home*: "Psh, nobody does homework on a Friday. I'll start it tomorrow."
-Saturday-
"Haha, what WAS I thinking?! Who does homework on a SATURDAY? ..the f*ck I look like..."
-Sunday-
*10:30AM* "Hmm.. It's too early. I'll do it later.
*3:00PM* "It can wait. I have time."
*11:43PM* (on facebook) "..........................................OH SH*T!"
The awkward moment when you've been talking to someone for ages, and you think they're really smart and logical, and then you find out they're religious.
I don't know about you but, I'm pretty sure that there is one really, really small spot on my back that has never, ever been washed.... Ever
If you're going to talk sh*t about me in your Facebook status, might as well grow some balls and tag me in it...
What I used to love in school were all the rumours. I could hear gossip about myself doing something before I even got round to doing it...
When nerdy girls in movies take off their glasses, they instantly become these beautiful girls that makes people stop and stare at their "newly found beauty". In real life when people take off their glasses, everyone just holds up fingers and asks them if they can see
A blond and Husband are in bed, listening to their neighbours dog. It has been in their backyard barking for hours .
The blond jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blond finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"
The blond says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
Telling your Facebook friend that they are beautiful and they'll say "no way you are much more beautiful than me" and then you say "no way your more beautiful than me" but your really thinking... Yes ok I am.
Think of a country that starts with D.
Take the last letter of that country and think of any animal that starts with it.
Take the last letter of that animal and think of a fruit that starts with it.
Like if you are thinking of an orange or apple (:
Eyeing your toys suspiciously after watching Toy Story.
''Hmm... I'm gonna make some toast.''
*puts bread in toaster
*waiting and more waiting... getting bored.. waiting...
''I'm ready, it's gonna come up anytime soon. I wont get scared. (thinking in head)''
*bread suddenly comes up
You: SUPER HEART ATTACK
like this if youve ever been so ready for your toast to come up.. then it just comes up out of no where and it gives you a heart attack
I'm going to start giving any new woman I meet my phone number in Roman numerals...
If she's smart enough to work it out and ring me then she's worth keeping. I'm done with these dumb women...
No matter how old you are, you are NEVER too old to dress up for Halloween! :)
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
A woodchuck would chuck as much as he could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
wood!
You get home from school. In the front living room, there is a box with the word "Fragile" on it. This could only mean one thing... There is bubble wrap inside!!!
you my friend.. are a silly sausage.
We can't even predict the weather and now some dumb sh*t is trying to predict the apocalypse...
A blonde was withdrawing money from the ATM machine.
The blonde behind her: HAHA I saw your pin number, it's four stars!
First blonde (the one withdrawing the money): HAHA you're wrong, it's 1566!
I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, "Hello?" As if the bad guy is gonna be like, "Yeah, I`m in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?.."
Dear Mom & Dad,
Yes I check my Facebook every morning like it's the morning paper...
Sincerely,
Sorry for having a social life.