I wish I was with you.
Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Damn! LOL - Your #1 source for daily funny pics!
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
That "oh Sh*t" moment when you hear your mom shout your name from down stairs so you do a quick recap of all the things you have done recently to see if you're in trouble...
Dear Mom and Dad,
Please don't freak out if I don't answer my phone the first time. The chances of the battery being dead are much greater than the chances that I've been abducted and murdered by a serial killer.
Sincerely, 64 missed calls.
The Good: You Have A Girlfriend
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The Bad: She Has A D*ck
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The Ugly: It's bigger than yours....
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How do you know when you're in love?
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1. You cant stop thinking about them
2. You seriously cant stop thinking about them
3. Re-reading their text messages and them making you smile...
A boy walks into kitchen to find parents having s*x, the dad looks at the boy and winks. that night the father finds the boy in his bedroom having s*x with his nana, the boy rolls over, winks and says "not so funny when it's your mum is it"
If you friend request me on Facebook and your profile picture is a picture of a car....
Then I will just assume you are a transformer...
Feelings don't die. We all keep them alive by feeding them memories. That's the exact reason why it is so hard to move on from a loved one...
Saying guns kill people is like blaming a pen for misspelling a word.
I WISH I HAD UNLIMITED MONEY
Slowly but surely, sunbeds are going to banned all over the world. So in a few thousand years from now, people are going to dig up abandoned sunbeds and think that we fried people as a punishment.
You close the door and get in the shower. Then every 5 seconds you look out the curtain and make sure no serial killers are there to kill you.
Girl (12 years old): "Mom billy showed me his p*nis today..."
*Mom freaks out*
Girl: "It reminded me of peanuts..."
Mom: "Why was it small?"
Girl: "No, it was salty..."
*Mom faints*
The hardest job in the world must be having to work in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required to work their....."Must Not Pop Bubbles, Must Not. Pop. Bubbles..."
I remember when staying up until midnight was hard work. Now it's just a bad habit that's hard to break.
instant smile when the person you wanted to text you, texts you.
I hate it when your childhood superhero stories like Thor and etc. becomes a movie, and ever since then, when you google ' Thor ' , it gives you results related to the movie.
it's not jason derulo, its JAAAAAYYSOOON DERRRULLLLLO ;).
**** I hate When This Happens #56 ****
When you're about to sneeze, and you huff and you puff, and then... nothing.... it's gone.
TODAY,
I saw a cute little six or seven year old girl wearing Hannah Montana socks.
I asked her if she liked Hannah Montana.
She said no; she liked to wear these socks,
because she got to step on Miley Cyrus every time she walked.
I love this kid.
"OMG REALLY?!?!?!?" haha no im lying
Teacher: John, why are you so late ?
John: I was throwing stones into the river.
Teacher:Okaay, well take your seat.
Teacher:Bob, why are you also late ?
Bob: i was also throwing stones into the river.
Teacher: gr, well, sit down.
New Boy walks in ;
Teacher: oh so you're our new student. whats your name? and why are you all wet?
New boy: My name is Stones.
Teacher: oh..
LIKE IF YOU GET IT.
Summer in England is kind of like the ultimate one-night stand:
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hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
Hello Justin Bieber. I want to play a game. Throughout the years you have soiled the meaning of good music. There? will be consequences. The device attached to your abdomen will trigger in 75 seconds, sending a metal bar up your ass. Your chances at surviving is the key located in your ashophogus, inside your lungs, the very lungs that have soiled the ears of the innocent. How much blood will you sacrifice to continue? your life? The choice is yours. Let the game begin.
...condom says to the tampon, "You put me out of a job for 1 week a month!" The tampon replies, "When you don't do your job properly, I lose mine for 9 months!"
Some guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so i gave him a cup of water...