Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Edward: "I could kill you in seconds. So shutup."
Jacob: "What are you gonna do exactly? Sparkle me to death?!"
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Dwayne Johnson, you will always be 'The Rock' in my heart.
******* Who else thought this? *******
The first time I ever had a McFlurry, I thought the spoon could be used as a straw...
The awkward moment when your giving your girlfriend a bl*wjob and then you realise, your giving your girlfriend a bl*wjob!...
Girls wonder why guys dont talk to them anymore after a relationship. Truth is guys dont talk to girls because there afraid to like them again
Girls don't dress up to impress guys. Girls dress up to out dress other girls. If they wanted to impress guys, they would just walk around naked....
Getting Paid
"age is just a number." "yeah, so is 911 you paedophile."
***** Things that make you go hmmmmm?*****
If a man gets morning wood, does that mean women get morning dew?
Depressed? Earphones in, volume up & ignore the world.
I can't stand people who don't know the difference between your and you're.
There so stupid...
So, My boyfriend asked me if I loved Him,..No you dumbass, I only think about you all day, text you whenever I can & Stare at you constently when i'm with you,
Getting in bed, and texting the person you wish was there with you :)
Hanging My Clothes Up On My Floordrobe...
1 in 20 of us live next door to a pedophile
but im lucky i only live next door to a lovely old man
who has a very impressive pair of binoculars
There is at least 1 person i can never stay mad at no matter how hard i try
Anyone who says having a child is the best moment of their life has obviously never had two kit-kats fall out of the vending machine at once...
Okay, so you're 10 years old, you have a laptop, iPod, Facebook and a Blackberry... Dude when I was 10 I had pokemon cards!
F*ck B*tches.. Flip Patties - Spongebob
I STILL don't understand how Dick is short for Richard. =
Changing a whole text because you didn't know how to spell one word...
Wake up, look at clock: 7:00, .... shut eyes for second .... look at clock: 7:01 ..... shut eyes for second ...... look at clock: 7:58 ..... ****!
**** How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? ****
The answer is one. But the light bulb has to WANT to change...
10 things a typical teenage girl can't live without...
1. A Mobile Phone
2. A Laptop or Computer with internet access
3. Headphones
4. A Warm Hoodie
5. Music
6. A Facebook, Msn, or YouTube account
7. Sleep
8. Unlimited Texts
9. Hair Straighteners
10. Reality TV
Like this if you can't live without at least one of these things!!
A boy went to a pub with his mom and saw two teens having s*x. he asked his mom what they were doing.
His mom replied: "They're baking a cake".
The next day, the boy went to the zoo and saw two monkeys having s*x. He asked his mom what they were doing.
His mom replied: "They baking cake".
The next day, the boy told his mom : "Mummy, i know last night you and daddy were baking a cake".
Mom: "How you know?"
Boy: "I licked the icing off the sofa".
Like if u get it :D
Son: Dad i'm hungry...
Dad: Nice to meet you hungry!
Son: Dad, i'm serious...
Dad: I thought you were hungry?
Son: Are you kidding?!
Dad: No, i'm Dad...