Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Best ever game as a child: make sure the balloon does not touch the floor
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
"Let's eat Grandma" or "Let's eat, Grandma" - Punctuation saves lives.
Whatever you give a woman, she will make it greater, Give her sperm, she will give you a baby. Give her a house, she will give you a home. Give her groceries, she will give you a meal. Give her a smile, she will give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what she is giving. So if you give her crap, be ready to receive a ton of Shit.
Honey, your skirt is so high up it's a belt. Your hair is so bright it hurts my eyes. Your skin is so orange you look like you were an unfortunate victim of an explosion at an orange juice factory. Your eyes have so much make up on them you look like a raccoon. Who are you trying to impress, a blind man?
The awkward moment when you are having s*x with someone and they are not as loud as you
Them: Oh yes, yeah, oh yes
You: AHHHH! YES F*CKING YEAH!! THIS IS SPARTA!
Theres always one friend who eats everyone's gherkins in Mcdonalds
Not even 2012, Paranormal Activity, shooting, bomb attacks, or failing a class is more terrifying than seeing 5 missed calls from mom.
I signed up to a gym the other day and I got a free session with a personal trainer.
Me: "I want a to be able to impress all the girls, tell what machines to go on..."
Personal Trainer: "Haha you don't need the gym for that, there's an ATM over there, just use that...
Dear phone,
I drop you. i say i hate you. i throw you. i lose you. i forget about you, but i couldn't live without you.
Today i was walking down the street and saw a homeless man. He asked for some change and i gave him $1...then i saw him pull out his iPhone. I knocked his ass out, took back my dollar, and took his iPhone. Now i got an iPhone and a dollar.
When I was younger, my friends and I used to play tig, hide and seek, stuck in the mud, cops and robbers, kiss chase and duck duck goose.
These days kids just play Xbox or PS3
They don't know what they are missing out on...
*********I Hate When This Happens**********
When you run the shower for 5 minutes, so it's nice and hot for when you get in. But when you finally go in the shower, it's still really cold..
Shes my best friend of course im going to tell her everything you just said
Can you believe that I spent 15 minutes last night looking for my phone in my car while using my phone as a torch. Yeah, I was THAT high...
Celebrity Juice Lines
She is bang tidy im gonna smash her back doors in.
If you were a computer i would RAM you.
Now its time for the first round its lemon head you will see a graphic of my head with different secter on it and if your americain thats sectooors.
Everybody thinks that a girls dream is to find the perfect guy....... pppfffftttt yeah right, our dream is to eat without getting fat.
Dear Sexy,
Close the door behind you, get on top of me and satisfy you needs ;)
Sincerely,
The Toilet.
BOYS:
Age 4: Eeeeew pink bracelet, that is for girls!
Age 6: Eeeeew pink bracelet, that is for girls!
Age 8: Eeeeew pink bracelet, that is for girls!
Age 10: Eeeeew pink bracelet, that is for girls!
Age 12: Eeeeew pink bracelet, that is for girls!
Age 14: OMFG PINK BRACELET, I MUST HAVE THIS BRACELET!! PLEASE, GIVE IT TO ME!
^Bieber stop making pages and get to bed.
Q. Why don't guys like to preform oral s*x on a woman the morning after s*x?
A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
Dear Mom & Dad,
Yes I check my Facebook every morning like it's the morning paper...
Sincerely,
Sorry for having a social life.
"Are you home?" "No... I just picked up my house phone from Burger King..."
The reasons why people stand up...
*****************************************
1. To get the remote.
2. To go to the toilet.
3. Because your the real slim shady.
Blonde: hey, you left you phone at my house last night, i kept texting you but you didnt reply.
Me: ...
A Chicken crossed the road and met James Bond. The chicken said : .. What's your name ? .." Bond, James Bond. What's your's ? ,, Ken, Chick Ken "
Like if you have ever done one of these things...
1. Gone up a down escalator
2. Tried to make a fish follow your finger
3. Gone in the fridge for no reason
4. Stared at someone to see if they would realise
5. Pretended to drive when in the passengers seat
6. Played air guitar madly
7. (Boys only) Become addicted to COD
8. Watched water droplets fall down a window to see who would win
9. Picked everything off a pizzzza
10. Laughed at a random memory
1. FACT: You can't touch the roof of you mouth with your tongue
2. You're trying it now.
3. You're thinking WTF
5. You want to finish reading this
6. You didn't notice that the the number 4 is missing
7. You didn't notice that i put two "the"s in number 6
8. You are going to press like now
I am PSYCHIC...;)