I Hate When This Happens:
Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Mocking people in a voice they don't even have.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Just asked my barber for a Justin Bieber hair cut...
F*cking A$$hole shaved off my pubes!!!
What? Max Factor makes eyelashes 3x Longer?
Max Factor should make cond*ms!
Its funny how when you have a pack of gum, BAM! Everyone suddenly becomes your "Best friend" and they expect you to give them a piece and the only reason you give them a piece is so they leave you alone.
When I'm on my death bed, I want my last words to be "Left £1million in the..."
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are talking about s*x.
The Italian says, "When i have a finished making love ah to my woman, she levitates six inches fromma de bed."
The Frenchman says, "Mon ami! After 6 hours of the continuous love making to my girl, she levitates 3 feet off the bed!"
The Australian says: "Streuth mate, when I've finished 'rooting' me Sheila, I get off the bed, wipe me c*ck on the curtains...and she goes through the fucking roof!!"
Wife: Truth or Dare?
Husband: Urm... Truth...
Wife: Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband: OK, I choose dare...
I'm a girl.
I don't smoke.
I don't drink.
I don't party every weekend.
I don't wear three inches of makeup.
I don't put sultry pictures of my bra showing online.
I don't make out with loads of guys, or other girls, to get attention.
I'm a girl, and I'm me.
And I'm not going to change for anyone.
Don't you just hate it when your having a conversation with someone and then your spit decides to leap out of your mouth and land on the other person.
Even weirder is the fact both of you know what has just happened and you just ignore it...
Reasons to have a guy best friend:
Guys don't start rumors for no apparent reason
They won't tell anyone your secrets
They don't pms and randomly act super rude
They don't try to steal the guy you like
They aren't two faced
They stick up for you no matter what
They'll give you their sweatshirt when your cold
They'll carry you when you get hurt
And they might even fall in love with you
Be careful who you are calling a child, Lois. Because if I'm a child then that makes you a paedophile. And i'll be damned if i'm gonna sit here and get lectured by pervert. - Peter Griffin.
*GIRLS*
Hair: 30min-2hrs.
Makeup: 5-20mins.
Outfit: 10min-3hrs.
*BOYS*
Hair: 0-5mins.
Makeup: I hope not.
Outfit: 1-10mins.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Partying Bevrages Evolution
Age 10: Orange Juice and Milkshake
Age 14: Fizzy Drinks
Age 17: Alcoholic Drinks
Age 25: Even Stronger Booze
Age 40: EVEN Worse
Age 60: Tea + Coffee
Age 90: Water
a PARTY with no DRINK is like a FUNERAL with no DEAD PERSON ..
Excuse me Bruno Mars, I know you are being lazy and all but get your own mob of Monkeys instead of taking mine. Ok, thanks.
Dad: Son, did you change your relationship status to "It's Complicated" on Facebook?
Son: Yeah...
Dad: Why? Can't you decide which hand to use...
"Sexy" means I want you. "Pretty" means I like you. "Beautiful" means I love you. "Gorgeous" means all of the above and that is because you are the best thing that ever happened to me :)
How do you know when you're in love?
********************************************
1. You cant stop thinking about them
2. You seriously cant stop thinking about them
3. Re-reading their text messages and them making you smile...
Boy:"why do you striaghten your hair?" Girl:"becuase it makes my hair longer" Boy:"really?" *30 min later* Docter:"so tell me why you burnt your dick with a straightener?" Boy:...
Dear Parents. Jasmine was in a relationship with a dirty homeless boy named Aladdin. Snow White lived alone with 7 men. Pinnochio was a liar. Robin Hood was a thief. Tarzan walked around without clothes on. A stranger kissed sleeping beauty and she married him. Cinderella lied and snuck out at night to attend a party. You can"t blame us. We were taught to rebel since a young age..
That feeling of accomplishment when you manage to punch your straw through a Capri-sun first time without any trouble...
if I had gun with only 2 bullets and was alone in a room with saddam huissene, osama bin laden and justin bieber I would shoot justin bieber..... twice
I like to lean back on the two back legs of my chair to see how long I can balance for, it's game over though when you have that mini heart attack from hell and you have to frantically grab on to something...
They need to make bigger Capri Suns. I'm not 7 years old anymore. I am a teenager with some hard f●●king thirst.
All i'm saying, is 6.5 fl. oz. doesn't cut it anymore.
Have you ever wondered why A,B,C,D,DD,E,F,G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost B00bs.?
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!