Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
In the end of it all, its really not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away...
So I've noticed a lot of people started putting ' went to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry' Uhh, no you didn't! I totally go there & I haven't seen any of you guys there. WHY YOU LIE :@
That awkward moment where a husband & wife are having s*x and then suddenly BAM!!!!!!!!
Akon comes out singing "You've Just Had S*x"
Patrick-"How much?"
Mr. Krabs- "$5.00"
Patrick- "All I have is $7.00"
Mr. Krabs- "MMMMMMMMMMMMMM, ok!"
Patrick- "Patrick Star, you are one smart shopper!"
If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it's probably a cow in disguise, don't let it fool you!
When faced with two choices, always flip a coin. Not because it will make the decision for you, but because when the coin is in the air, you will suddenly realise what you are hoping for.
The awkward moment when you realise you are walking in the wrong direction, so you hit your pockets pretending like you forgot something and then turn and go back the other way.
"I like your accent!" "What accent?" That accent!" "I have an accent?"
I get paranoid when cars slow down near me, when I'm walking.
I got a card today saying 'Happy Valentine's Day love, from you know who'.
Why the f*ck is Lord Voldemort sending me letters?
I don't care if it's 5 minutes or a whole night, i just want to see you.
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes or no.'
I told my wife that my ultimate s*x fantasy was to have a three some...
She was mortified when i told her that it didn't involve her...
ask me if i'm a snail.
no.
ask me if i'm a snail.
no.
ask me if i'm a snail.
NO.
ask me if i'm a snail.
NO!!!!
ask me if i'm a snail.
ARE YOU A F*CKING SNAIL?
meow.
...
Alright, it's been 20 minutes, you should probably text me back now.
it's not jason derulo, its JAAAAAYYSOOON DERRRULLLLLO ;).
What’s the point of getting suspended?
How on earth is that considered the right thing to do?
Teachers must not realise that bad children DON’T LIKE SCHOOL so why give them suspension that’s just adding another good thing to there list.
Screw Osama, I'm better at hide and seek than him. They still haven't found me yet...
Yes, practise makes perfect, but too much practise makes your a whore....
I hope one day you choke on the shit that you talk.
Commonly used phrases we say, but never realise they cancel each other out:
1) Clearly misunderstood
2) Exact Estimate
3) Small Crowd
4) Act Naturally
5) Found Missing
6) Fully Empty
7) Pretty ugly
8) Seriously funny
9) Only choice
10) Original copies
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water…............ It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola
In your bed, it's 6AM, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 7:45. At school, it's 1:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 1:30.
I don't care if it's 4AM, I don't consider it tomorrow until I wake up.
When those "Cruelty to Animals" adverts come on the TV, I force my dogs to sit and watch just so they know how lucky they are. Spoilt Brats...