Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Best ever game as a child: make sure the balloon does not touch the floor
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
when you bust open a packet of soothers suddenly everyone has a bad throat
*** 24 Minutes of battery life left ****
You: Ahh, that is enough time to finish what I am doing
*** 6 Mins Later Laptop Shuts Down ***
You: You piece of sh*t! You lied to me!
There are the normal boobs ( . )( . ), the silicone boobs ( + )( + ), the perfect boobs (o)(o). Some boobs are cold (^)(^), and some boobs belong to grandmothers ././ And let’s not forget the very large boobs (o Y o), and the very small boobs (.)(.), and lastly the asymmetrical boobs (•)(.) We love them all!
Dear men,
Your jokes about make-up and women in the kitchen are NOT funny.
Sincerely,
Hundreds of unamused women!
Blonde: hey, you left you phone at my house last night, i kept texting you but you didnt reply.
Me: ...
At the beginning of eternity and at the end of time, in this rhyme the answer you will find...
America sent us Miley Cyrus, so Canada got their revenge with Justin Bieber. However, America got back at Canada on Friday with.... Rebecca Black.
My business isn't your business. So unless you are my thong, don't be up my A$$.
(on the phone)
me "Dad i need directions, we can't find our way"
Dad "I'll call you back later, I'm in the middle of a game"
(off the phone)
My dads on my freakin xbox playin Black Ops again.
Dear Mom & Dad,
Yes I check my Facebook every morning like it's the morning paper...
Sincerely,
Sorry for having a social life.
Today I bought a packet of salted nuts. On the pack it said "Warning, may contain nuts." Well I would be pretty disappointed if I opened it up and a sock fell out...
Go ahead, pass me in the halls and pretend I don't exist; I hope every single F*CKING time we make eye contact, you relive every memory we've ever had. And I hope it hurts.
If a Police Officer says "Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence..."
Your answer should always be "Please don't hit me again officer..."
Relationships are like yard sales.........
....... They look good from far, but once your in one it's just full of sh*t that you don't need.....
Christmas just didn't feel like Christmas this year :(
I went to Currys, They didn't do curry... I went to Selfridges, they didn't sell fridges... And believe me, the Virgin Megastore was a huge disappointment.
Bin Laden being killed, a royal wedding, tsunami & earthquake followed by a nuclear meltdown in Japan, a general election, chaos in the Arab world and we're only 4 months in. You think 2011 is bad, just wait until 21/12/2012...
"Does this skirt make me look fat?" "No, your fat makes you look fat."
If I sleep to much, my parents complain. If I don’t get enough sleep, my parents complain. If I eat too much, my parents complain. If I don’t eat enough, my parents complain. If I’m always in my room, my parents complain. If I go out too much, my parents complain. I CAN’T WIN!!
Bring Back BNBN's!!!
You fight like a married couple, you talk like best friends, you flirt like first loves, and protect each other like brother and sister, obviously its meant to be.
"Do this for me" "no" "if you love me you will :)" "Fiiiine!!"
*GIRLS*
Hair: 30min-2hrs.
Makeup: 5-20mins.
Outfit: 10min-3hrs.
*BOYS*
Hair: 0-5mins.
Makeup: I hope not.
Outfit: 1-10mins.
Have you ever wondered why A,B,C,D,DD,E,F,G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs.?
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!!!
Me: Man your party was the best I've been to so far...
Friend: You were drunk again, and for some stupid reason you phoned the police and complained about how loud the music was...
Me: Oh... that wasn't that bad...
Friend: What!? You then grabbed my bird out of his cage and threw it at the cops shouting "Go angry bird, you get them pigs..."